Braving the Wilderness

Key Takeaways

1. True Belonging Requires Braving the Wilderness Alone

You are only free when you realize you belong no place—you belong every place—no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.

Paradox of belonging. True belonging isn't about fitting into a group; it's about belonging to yourself so deeply that you can stand alone, secure in your own worth. This is the "wilderness" – a place of solitude and self-discovery where you confront your fears and vulnerabilities. It's a paradox because it's in this aloneness that you find your connection to all of humanity.

Internal compass. This journey requires an internal compass, not external validation. It's about aligning with your values and beliefs, even when they differ from those around you. This can be a lonely path, but it's the only way to achieve authentic belonging.

• It's about breaking down walls, abandoning ideological bunkers, and living from our wild heart rather than our weary hurt.
• It's about being willing to stand alone in your integrity.

Freedom in solitude. The freedom comes from realizing that your worth isn't dependent on external approval. It's about finding the sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone. This is the essence of true belonging – a state of being that transcends the need for external validation.

2. Fitting In is Not True Belonging

Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.

The trap of fitting in. Fitting in is about changing yourself to meet the expectations of others. It's a hollow substitute for true belonging, often leading to feelings of inauthenticity and isolation. It's about seeking approval, which is a barrier to true belonging.

Authenticity is key. True belonging requires presenting your authentic, imperfect self to the world. It's about embracing your vulnerabilities and flaws, rather than trying to hide them. This is where real connection and intimacy are born.

• It's about being who you are, not who others want you to be.
• It's about trading self-destruction for self-acceptance.

Self-acceptance is the foundation. Your sense of belonging can never be greater than your level of self-acceptance. The more you accept yourself, the more you can truly belong. This is an internal journey, not an external quest.

3. Our World is in a Spiritual Crisis of Disconnection

Spirituality is recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than all of us, and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded in love and compassion.

Lost connection. We've lost sight of our shared humanity, sorting ourselves into factions based on politics and ideology. This has led to a spiritual crisis of disconnection, where we're more likely to blame and hate than to connect and understand.

• We are divided from others in almost every area of our lives.
• Cynicism and distrust have a stranglehold on our hearts.

Fear drives division. Fear of vulnerability, criticism, and conflict fuels our compulsion to sort ourselves into like-minded groups. This creates echo chambers where we silence dissent and grow more extreme in our thinking.

• Terrorism is time-released fear.
• We've turned away from one another and toward blame and rage.

Reclaiming connection. Addressing this crisis requires courage, vulnerability, and a willingness to connect outside the lines drawn by "our side." It's about finding love and true belonging in our shared humanity, not in our shared beliefs.

4. Hate is Easier From a Distance; Move Closer

I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.

Zooming in. When we zoom out, we see a world of hatred and division. But when we zoom in on our own lives, we see love, pain, hope, and struggle. It's easier to hate large groups of strangers than the individuals we know and love.

• It's easier to be pissed off than it is to be hurt or scared.
• We often make assumptions about people based on stereotypes.

Personal experience matters. We must assess our lives and form our opinions of people based on our actual, in-person experiences, not on what we hear on the news or from politicians. This requires a willingness to challenge our own biases and assumptions.

• What if what we experience close up is real, and what we hear on the news needs to be questioned?
• It is not easy to hate people close up.

Transforming pain. Hate is often a mask for pain. Addressing pain with love and compassion takes courage, but it's the only way to break the cycle of hate. We must learn to recognize, name, and be with our pain, rather than denying it or inflicting it on others.

5. Speak Truth to Bullshit, But Be Civil

By virtue of this, bullshit is a greater enemy of the truth than lies are.

Bullshit vs. Lying. Lying is a defiance of the truth, while bullshitting is a dismissal of the truth. Bullshit is more dangerous because it doesn't even acknowledge the importance of truth. It's about being true to yourself, not to the facts.

• Bullshit is when we feel compelled to talk about things we don't understand.
• It's when we give up on believing that there are actual truths that can be known.

False Dichotomies. The "you're either with us or against us" argument is a form of bullshit that forces people to take sides and silences dissent. It's an emotional plea that's often not based in facts.

• It's a move to force people to take sides.
• It's turning an emotion-driven approach into weaponized belonging.

Civility is key. Speaking truth to bullshit requires civility – disagreeing without disrespect, seeking common ground, and listening past our preconceptions. It's about negotiating interpersonal power so that everyone's voice is heard.

• Civility is about staying present even with those with whom we have deep-rooted and fierce disagreements.
• It's about maintaining connection while challenging ideas.

6. Hold Hands with Strangers to Feel Human Connection

We’re in a spiritual crisis, and the key to building a true belonging practice is maintaining our belief in inextricable human connection.

Inextricable connection. We are all connected by something greater than our differences – a shared humanity rooted in love and compassion. This connection is not something that can be broken, but our belief in it is constantly tested.

• Our belief in inextricable human connection is one of our most renewable sources of courage in the wilderness.
• When we don’t believe in an unbreakable connection, the isolation of the wilderness is too daunting.

Collective moments. We must seek out collective moments of joy and pain to bear witness to our shared humanity. These experiences remind us that we are not alone and that we are all part of something bigger than ourselves.

• Music, funerals, and protests can be powerful conveners of collective emotion.
• These moments tell us what is true and possible about the human spirit.

Beyond the individual. These experiences shift our focus from self to group, reminding us that we are all part of the same spiritual story. They are sacred experiences that transcend our differences and tap into our hardwired nature.

7. Cultivate a Strong Back, Soft Front, and Wild Heart

All too often our so-called strength comes from fear, not love; instead of having a strong back, many of us have a defended front shielding a weak spine.

Strong Back. A strong back is about courage, integrity, and self-respect. It's about standing up for what you believe in, even when it's hard. It's about setting boundaries, being reliable, and holding yourself accountable.

• It's about letting go of being liked and the fear of disappointing people.
• It's about choosing courage over comfort.

Soft Front. A soft front is about vulnerability, openness, and compassion. It's about allowing yourself to be seen, flaws and all. It's about being brave enough to love and be loved.

• It's about being willing to show up and be seen when we can’t control the outcome.
• It's about creating courageous spaces so we can be fully seen.

Wild Heart. A wild heart is about living out the paradox of love. It's about being both tough and tender, fierce and kind. It's about staying awake to the pain in the world while also cultivating your own joy.

• It's about holding the tension of fighting for justice while also experiencing joy.
• It's about protecting our wild heart against constant evaluation, especially our own.

8. The Power of Collective Joy and Pain

The transformative power of art is in this sharing. Without connection or collective engagement, what we hear is simply a caged song of sorrow and despair; we find no liberation in it. It’s the sharing of art that whispers, “You’re not alone.”

Shared experiences. Collective joy and pain are powerful experiences that remind us of our shared humanity. They transcend our differences and tap into our hardwired need for connection.

• These experiences tell us what is true and possible about the human spirit.
• They remind us that we are not alone in our darkness.

Music as a convener. Music is a particularly powerful convener of collective joy and pain. It can pierce the heart directly, creating a sense of shared emotion and connection.

• It's often at the heart of spiritual gatherings, celebrations, funerals, and protest movements.
• It gives pain and our most wrenching emotions voice, language, and form.

Ministry of presence. Showing up for collective moments of joy and pain is a ministry of presence. It's about being there for others, sharing their experiences, and reminding them that they are not alone.

• Funerals are one of the most powerful examples of collective pain.
• It's about leaning in to our shared pain and fear.

9. Dehumanization is the Enemy of Belonging

Dehumanizing others is the process by which we become accepting of violations against human nature, the human spirit, and, for many of us, violations against the central tenets of our faith.

Dehumanizing language. Dehumanization is the process of demonizing the enemy, making them seem less than human and hence not worthy of humane treatment. It often starts with language and images that reduce people to animals or objects.

• It's a way of subverting our inhibitions against harming other humans.
• It creates moral exclusion, where certain groups are seen as outside the scope of our moral code.

Moral exclusion. Dehumanization leads to moral exclusion, where we believe that certain groups of people are not entitled to the same basic human rights as others. This makes violence and oppression possible.

• It has fueled innumerable acts of violence, human rights violations, war crimes, and genocides.
• It makes slavery, torture, and human trafficking possible.

Rehumanizing. We must actively resist dehumanizing language and behavior. We must recognize that all people are worthy of dignity and respect, regardless of their differences.

• We must never tolerate dehumanization.
• We must demand discourse that doesn’t make people subhuman.

10. Vulnerability is the Path to Courage and Connection

The special courage it takes to experience true belonging is not just about braving the wilderness, it’s about becoming the wilderness.

Vulnerability is not weakness. Vulnerability is not weakness; it's our most accurate measure of courage. It's about showing up and being seen, even when we can't control the outcome.

• It's about navigating uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.
• It's the birthplace of love, joy, trust, intimacy, and courage.

Choosing courage over comfort. True belonging requires choosing courage over comfort. It's about being willing to step outside our comfort zones and embrace the unknown.

• It's about being willing to stand alone in our integrity.
• It's about being willing to have hard conversations.

Becoming the wilderness. True belonging is not just about braving the wilderness; it's about becoming the wilderness. It's about breaking down the walls, abandoning our ideological bunkers, and living from our wild heart.

• It's about finding the sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone.
• It's about living from our wild heart rather than our weary hurt.

Last updated: January 31, 2025

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