How to Be Yourself

Key Takeaways

1. Social anxiety is a common, evolutionary trait with both benefits and drawbacks

"Social anxiety has stuck around through the millennia because evolutionarily it buys us more than it costs us."

Evolutionary advantage. Social anxiety is a widespread phenomenon, with 40% of people considering themselves shy and 13% experiencing clinical Social Anxiety Disorder. This prevalence suggests an evolutionary advantage. Social anxiety promotes group harmony and individual security by making us aware of others' judgments and helping us avoid conflict.

Package deal. People prone to social anxiety often possess valuable traits:

• Conscientiousness
• Empathy
• Strong work ethic
• Attention to detail
• Consideration for others' feelings

Double-edged sword. While these traits can be beneficial, excessive social anxiety can lead to:

• Avoidance of social situations
• Difficulty forming relationships
• Impaired professional growth
• Reduced quality of life

2. The "Inner Critic" drives social anxiety but can be challenged

"The Inner Critic is well intentioned but flawed and fallible."

Understanding the Inner Critic. The Inner Critic is the voice in our head that fuels social anxiety by:

• Predicting worst-case scenarios
• Focusing on perceived flaws
• Overestimating the likelihood of negative outcomes

Challenging thoughts. To combat the Inner Critic, use these strategies:

1. Replace negative thoughts with realistic ones
2. Ask yourself: "How bad would that really be?", "What are the odds?", and "How could I cope?"
3. Practice self-compassion and mindfulness

Embracing uncertainty. Recognize that the Inner Critic isn't always right. Its hesitation and uncertainty provide an opportunity to challenge and change anxious thoughts.

3. Confidence follows action, not the other way around

"Get started and your confidence will catch up."

Action before feeling. Many people wait to feel confident before taking action, but this approach is backward. Confidence is built through experience and repeated exposure to challenging situations.

Fake it till you make it. This strategy works because:

• It allows you to practice social skills
• It helps you realize that feared outcomes rarely occur
• It builds evidence of your capabilities

Measuring success. Focus on your actions rather than your feelings. Did you attend the event? Did you speak up in the meeting? These concrete achievements build confidence over time.

4. Structure and roles can help build authentic social connections

"Giving yourself some structure by playing a role you choose allows you to build up and reinforce the real you."

Benefits of structure. Having a defined role or purpose in social situations can:

• Reduce uncertainty and anxiety
• Provide clear guidelines for behavior
• Allow you to practice social skills in a controlled environment

Choosing roles. Select roles that align with your values and goals, such as:

• Event organizer
• Volunteer
• Team captain
• Mentor

Building authenticity. As you become more comfortable in your chosen roles, gradually incorporate more of your true self. This process allows you to develop genuine connections while feeling supported by the structure of your role.

5. Exposure and practice gradually reduce social anxiety

"Experience tethered him to reality, which was that most people, when face-to-face with a fellow human, are happy to help."

Systematic desensitization. Gradually exposing yourself to anxiety-provoking situations helps reduce fear over time. Start with less challenging scenarios and work your way up to more difficult ones.

Challenge list. Create a personalized list of social situations that cause anxiety, ranked from least to most challenging. Examples might include:

1. Making eye contact with a stranger
2. Initiating small talk with a cashier
3. Attending a social event
4. Giving a presentation at work

Repeated practice. Consistently engaging in these challenges helps:

• Build evidence that feared outcomes are unlikely
• Increase comfort in social situations
• Develop confidence in your ability to handle anxiety

6. Perfectionism hinders social interactions and can be overcome

"Perfectionism is about never being good enough."

Recognizing perfectionism. In social situations, perfectionism manifests as:

• Unrealistic expectations for social performance
• All-or-nothing thinking
• Excessive self-criticism

Overcoming perfectionism. Strategies to combat perfectionist tendencies include:

1. Setting realistic goals for social interactions
2. Embracing imperfection and vulnerability
3. Practicing self-compassion
4. Focusing on progress rather than perfection

Shifting perspective. Remember that others are often more focused on themselves than on judging you. Embrace the idea that mistakes and imperfections can make you more relatable and likable.

7. Social skills aren't lacking; anxiety just inhibits their use

"Most often the apparent disappearance of our social skills is the fault of the Inner Critic."

Hidden skills. People with social anxiety often possess excellent social skills but struggle to access them due to anxiety. These skills may include:

• Active listening
• Empathy
• Consideration for others' feelings
• Ability to read social cues

Anxiety's impact. Social anxiety can inhibit the use of these skills by:

• Causing self-focused attention
• Triggering safety behaviors that appear unfriendly
• Creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of social failure

Accessing skills. To tap into your existing social skills:

1. Practice mindfulness to reduce self-focused attention
2. Gradually drop safety behaviors
3. Focus on others rather than on your own anxiety
4. Remember past successful social interactions

8. Alcohol isn't necessary for social comfort and confidence

"Alcohol becomes like Dumbo's magic feather; take it away and we only think we can't fly."

Alcohol's false promise. Many people use alcohol to manage social anxiety because:

• It temporarily reduces inhibitions
• It provides a sense of social lubrication
• It offers an excuse for social missteps

The downside of drinking. Relying on alcohol for social comfort can:

• Mask underlying anxiety without addressing its root causes
• Create a dependency on drinking for social interactions
• Increase the risk of developing alcohol use disorders

Building genuine confidence. Instead of relying on alcohol:

1. Practice social skills sober
2. Use cognitive-behavioral techniques to manage anxiety
3. Gradually expose yourself to social situations without drinking
4. Recognize that your social skills exist independently of alcohol

9. Friendship is cultivated through repetition, disclosure, and initiative

"Friendship is a process, not a ready-made discovery."

Building blocks of friendship. Three key elements contribute to forming friendships:

1. Repetition: Consistently seeing the same people
2. Disclosure: Sharing personal information and experiences
3. Initiative: Taking action to deepen connections

Strategies for fostering friendships:

• Join groups or activities that meet regularly
• Practice gradual self-disclosure in conversations
• Show genuine interest in others
• Take the initiative to plan social activities

Overcoming barriers. Common obstacles to friendship formation include:

• Expecting instant connections
• Fear of rejection
• Perfectionism in social interactions

Remember that friendship is a gradual process that requires patience, vulnerability, and consistent effort. Focus on cultivating warmth and kindness in your interactions, as these qualities are highly valued in friendships.

Last updated: January 23, 2025

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