It's OK That You're Not OK

Key Takeaways

1. Grief is not a problem to be solved, but an experience to be supported

Seeing grief as an experience that needs support, rather than solutions, changes everything.

Cultural misunderstanding: Our society often treats grief as a problem to be fixed, leading to unhelpful responses and increased suffering for those grieving. This approach stems from:

• Medical models that view death as failure
• Psychological models that consider anything but happiness as abnormal
• Cultural narratives that emphasize overcoming adversity and finding silver linings

Shifting perspective: By recognizing grief as a natural, necessary response to loss, we can:

• Validate the griever's experience
• Provide meaningful support without trying to erase pain
• Allow space for the full range of emotions associated with loss

This shift in perspective benefits both the grieving person and those supporting them, creating a more compassionate and effective approach to grief.

2. Pain and suffering are distinct: pain needs tending, suffering can be reduced

Pain is pure and needs support rather than solutions, but suffering is different. Suffering can be fixed, or at least significantly reduced.

Understanding the difference:

• Pain: The natural, inevitable response to loss
• Suffering: Additional distress caused by unhelpful thoughts, behaviors, or external pressures

Reducing suffering:

• Identify sources of unnecessary suffering (e.g., self-judgment, unhelpful social interactions)
• Practice self-compassion and kindness
• Set boundaries with others who unintentionally increase suffering
• Focus on tending to pain rather than trying to eliminate it

By differentiating between pain and suffering, grieving individuals can:

• Honor their loss without feeling pressure to "get over it"
• Take active steps to reduce additional distress
• Find ways to live alongside their grief more peacefully

3. Physical and cognitive changes in grief are normal and temporary

You aren't crazy. You're grieving. Those are very different things.

Common physical symptoms:

• Sleep disturbances (insomnia or excessive sleeping)
• Changes in appetite
• Fatigue and muscle tension
• Increased susceptibility to illness

Cognitive changes:

• Memory loss and forgetfulness
• Difficulty concentrating
• Confusion and disorientation
• Shortened attention span

Coping strategies:

• Practice self-compassion and patience
• Use external reminders (notes, alarms) to compensate for memory issues
• Prioritize self-care (nutrition, rest, gentle exercise)
• Communicate your needs to others

Remember that these changes are a normal part of the grieving process and typically improve over time as your mind and body adjust to the new reality.

4. Anxiety in grief is common but can be managed with specific techniques

Anxiety is patently ineffective at managing risk and predicting danger.

Understanding grief-related anxiety:

• Heightened sense of vulnerability after loss
• Increased fear of additional losses or dangers
• Repetitive thoughts about past events or future worries

Techniques for managing anxiety:

1. Practice breath awareness:

2. Grounding exercises:

3. Challenge anxious thoughts:

4. Seek support:

By acknowledging anxiety as a common grief response and employing these techniques, grieving individuals can reduce suffering and find moments of calm amidst their pain.

5. Creative practices can help process grief without fixing it

Creative practices can help you see your life, see your heart, for what it is now.

Benefits of creative expression in grief:

• Provides an outlet for complex emotions
• Allows for continued connection with the lost loved one
• Offers a way to bear witness to one's own experience

Accessible creative practices:

• Writing (journaling, poetry, letters to the deceased)
• Visual arts (drawing, painting, collage)
• Music (listening, playing, composing)
• Movement (dance, yoga, walking in nature)

Approach to creativity in grief:

• Focus on process, not product
• Allow all emotions and expressions, without judgment
• Use creativity as a form of self-care and exploration, not as a means to "solve" grief

Remember that creative practices are not meant to fix or erase grief, but to provide a way to live with it more fully and authentically.

6. Recovery in grief means integration, not moving on or getting over it

Recovery inside grief is always a moving point of balance. There isn't any end point.

Redefining recovery:

• Not about returning to "normal" or pre-loss state
• Focuses on integrating loss into a new life narrative
• Allows for ongoing connection with the deceased

Aspects of grief integration:

• Acknowledging the permanence of the loss
• Finding ways to honor and remember the deceased
• Developing new routines and relationships
• Discovering meaning and purpose in life after loss

Personal approach to integration:

• Be patient with the process; there's no timeline for grief
• Allow for fluctuations in emotions and needs
• Seek support from others who understand this perspective
• Create personal rituals or practices that feel meaningful

By reframing recovery as integration, grieving individuals can find a way forward that honors both their loss and their ongoing life.

7. Support teams should bear witness, not try to fix the griever's pain

Your job, should you choose to accept it, is to bear witness to something beautiful and terrible—and to resist the very human urge to fix it or make it right.

Effective support strategies:

1. Listen without judgment
2. Validate the griever's emotions and experiences
3. Offer practical help (e.g., meals, childcare, household tasks)
4. Remember important dates and check in regularly

Phrases to avoid:

• "At least..."
• "Everything happens for a reason"
• "You should be over this by now"
• "I know exactly how you feel"

Helpful phrases:

• "I'm here for you"
• "This must be so hard"
• "I don't know what to say, but I care"
• "Would you like to talk about [deceased's name]?"

By focusing on bearing witness rather than fixing, support teams can provide meaningful comfort and reduce additional suffering for the grieving person.

8. Finding a community of fellow grievers provides essential validation

Finding others who have shared a similar depth of pain shows you those people who understand just how alone you are.

Benefits of grief communities:

• Validation of experiences and emotions
• Reduced feelings of isolation
• Shared coping strategies and resources
• Safe space to express difficult thoughts and feelings

Types of grief communities:

• Support groups (in-person or online)
• Grief retreats or workshops
• Online forums and social media groups
• Grief-focused writing or art classes

Connecting with grief communities:

• Seek recommendations from therapists or hospice organizations
• Look for groups specific to your type of loss (e.g., loss of a child, suicide loss)
• Try different formats to find what feels most comfortable
• Remember that it's okay to take breaks or change groups as needed

While grief is ultimately a personal journey, finding a community of fellow grievers can provide essential support, understanding, and companionship along the way.

Last updated: January 23, 2025

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