Rethinking Narcissism

The Bad--and Surprising Good--About Feeling Special

by Craig Malkin • 2015 • 256 pages

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Psychology Self Help Mental Health

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Key Takeaways

1. Narcissism exists on a spectrum, with healthy narcissism in the middle

Narcissism can be harmful, true, and the Web is rife with articles and blogs from people who've suffered at the hands of extremely narcissistic lovers, spouses, parents, siblings, friends, and colleagues. Their stories are as heartbreaking as they are frightening. But that's just a small part of narcissism, not the whole picture.

Redefining narcissism. Contrary to popular belief, narcissism is not inherently negative. It's a normal human tendency - the drive to feel special. This drive exists on a spectrum from 0 to 10:

0-3: Echoists - self-effacing, struggle to feel special at all
4-6: Healthy narcissism - balanced self-esteem, can feel special without losing empathy
7-10: Unhealthy narcissism - excessive need to feel special, lack of empathy

Benefits of moderate narcissism. Research shows people with slightly elevated narcissism tend to be:

Happier and more sociable
More physically healthy
More creative and better leaders
More resilient in the face of adversity

Understanding narcissism as a spectrum allows us to recognize its potential benefits and drawbacks, rather than viewing it as an all-or-nothing trait.

2. Healthy narcissism involves feeling special while maintaining empathy

People who live in the center of the spectrum don't always take to the stage, but when they do, they often lift others up with them.

Balancing self and others. Healthy narcissists, those in the 4-6 range of the spectrum, have a unique ability to feel special without losing sight of others' needs and feelings. They can:

Dream big and pursue ambitious goals
Enjoy being in the spotlight occasionally
Maintain genuine connections and empathy
Lift others up along with themselves

Characteristics of healthy narcissism:

Self-confidence without arrogance
Ability to accept criticism and admit mistakes
Interest in others' success and well-being
Capacity for deep, reciprocal relationships

Healthy narcissism allows individuals to pursue their passions and achieve great things while still maintaining meaningful connections with others. It's the sweet spot where self-love and love for others coexist harmoniously.

3. Unhealthy narcissism stems from insecure love and childhood experiences

The key childhood experience that pushes children too high or too low on the spectrum is always the same: insecure love.

Root causes of narcissism. While some genetic predisposition exists, environment plays a crucial role in shaping narcissism. Key factors include:

Parenting styles:

Overly permissive or indulgent
Authoritarian or controlling
Inconsistent or unpredictable
Childhood trauma or neglect
Cultural influences emphasizing individualism or fame

Insecure love's impact. Children who don't receive consistent, secure love learn to cope in unhealthy ways:

Echoists suppress their needs to avoid burdening others
Narcissists develop an inflated sense of self to compensate for feeling unlovable

Understanding these origins is crucial for both prevention and treatment. By providing secure, loving environments for children and addressing our own narcissistic tendencies, we can promote healthier development across the spectrum.

4. Subtle narcissists can be difficult to spot but exhibit specific warning signs

Because unhealthy narcissism is an attempt to avoid any vulnerable feelings, such as sadness or fear, narcissists often steer clear not just of their own emotions, but also of everyone else's.

Recognizing subtle narcissism. Unlike extreme narcissists, subtle narcissists can be harder to identify. Key warning signs include:

Emotion phobia: Discomfort with vulnerable feelings
Emotional hot potato: Projecting their emotions onto others
Stealth control: Manipulating situations to get their way
Pedestal placement: Idealizing others to feel special by association
Twin fantasy: Insisting on excessive similarities with others

Impact on relationships. Subtle narcissists may seem charming or caring initially, but their behavior can lead to:

One-sided relationships
Emotional distance
Feeling manipulated or controlled
Sudden mood shifts or entitlement surges

Being aware of these warning signs can help identify potentially problematic relationships early on and take steps to address unhealthy dynamics before they escalate.

5. Empathy prompts can help shift narcissists towards healthier behavior

If you share your feelings from a place of vulnerability and the person you care about lashes out or demeans you, consider their response a failure. View it as a sign that they can't—or won't—leave their addiction behind.

Using empathy prompts. To encourage narcissists to move towards healthier behavior, try:

Voicing the importance of your relationship
Revealing your own vulnerable feelings
Observing their response

Example prompt structure:
"[Name], you mean a lot to me. When [behavior occurs], I feel [vulnerable emotion]."

Assessing change potential. Positive responses to empathy prompts include:

Affirming the relationship's importance
Showing curiosity about your feelings
Apologizing or validating your experience
Demonstrating a willingness to change

If narcissists consistently respond negatively (attacking, blaming, or dismissing), it may indicate they're not ready or willing to change. This information can help you make informed decisions about the relationship's future.

6. Self-blame and excitement can trap people in unhealthy relationships

Self-blame comes in handy when a relationship no longer works and leaving feels too painful. If we convince ourselves that someone's being hurtful or insensitive because of our own failings, there's still hope.

Overcoming self-blame. To break free from self-blame:

Recognize it as a coping mechanism for fear of loss
Acknowledge your right to feel disappointed
Create healthy boundaries
Distinguish between empathy and responsibility

The excitement trap. People often stay in unhealthy relationships due to:

Mistaking uncertainty for passion
Associating "bad" partners with excitement
Suppressing desires in "safe" relationships

To escape the excitement trap:

Take emotional risks with supportive partners
Own and express your desires
Create novelty and adventure in healthy relationships

By addressing self-blame and finding healthy sources of excitement, individuals can break free from unhealthy relationship patterns and build more fulfilling connections.

7. Workplace narcissism requires both self-protection and strategic nudging

Change doesn't come from telling them off for being too success-driven, ruthless, or manipulative; it comes by showing them the benefits of collaboration and understanding.

Self-protection strategies:

Document everything
Remain focused on tasks
Block emotional "hot potato" passes

Nudging narcissists:

Catch and reinforce good behavior
Contrast positive and negative behaviors
Use assertive communication (affect, behavior, correction)

Evaluating progress. Set clear goals for improvement, such as:

Feeling more comfortable at work
Experiencing less anxiety or illness
Receiving appropriate recognition

If no improvement occurs despite consistent efforts, consider:

Appealing to higher management or HR
Seeking support from an ombudsperson
Exploring other job opportunities

Balancing self-protection with strategic attempts to improve workplace dynamics can lead to a healthier, more productive work environment for everyone.

8. Authoritative parenting promotes healthy narcissism in children

Any time an environment punishes or threatens children for striving to be more, they're likely to reach adulthood on the unhealthy left side of the spectrum.

Authoritative parenting strategies:

Practice firm empathy
Catch and reinforce good behavior
Model vulnerability
Set clear limits and consequences
Coach emotional intelligence
Be warm and respectful
Model repair through "re-dos"
Encourage volunteering and helping others

Balancing warmth and control. Authoritative parenting combines:

High warmth: love, affection, support
Appropriate control: guidance, monitoring, discipline

This approach helps children develop:

Healthy self-esteem
Empathy and consideration for others
Emotional intelligence
Resilience and adaptability

By consistently applying authoritative parenting techniques, caregivers can nurture children who feel special and valued while maintaining a sense of connection and responsibility to others.

9. Social media can foster healthy or unhealthy narcissism depending on use

We never feel genuinely self-confident when we bury our true nature. We assume that whatever we're concealing is somehow shameful and that we're wise to keep it secret if we want to be liked and loved.

Promoting healthy social media use (SoWe):

Surround yourself with real friends
Be open about both successes and struggles
Join purpose-driven communities
Avoid excessive image "churning"
Use social media intentionally
Follow positive role models

Risks of unhealthy social media use (SoMe):

Increased narcissism and self-absorption
Decreased self-esteem through comparison
Isolation and disconnection from real relationships
Addiction to likes and virtual validation

By approaching social media mindfully and prioritizing genuine connection, users can harness its potential for healthy narcissism while avoiding its pitfalls. This balanced approach can enhance self-esteem, expand social support networks, and foster a sense of purpose and community engagement.

10. Healthy narcissism enables passionate living and genuine intimacy

Narcissism can be harmful, true, and the Web is rife with articles and blogs from people who've suffered at the hands of extremely narcissistic lovers, spouses, parents, siblings, friends, and colleagues. Their stories are as heartbreaking as they are frightening. But that's just a small part of narcissism, not the whole picture.

Balancing passion and connection. Healthy narcissism allows individuals to:

Pursue their passions without losing empathy
Feel special while maintaining genuine relationships
Create and explore without constant external validation
Share vulnerabilities and build true intimacy

Benefits of healthy narcissism:

Increased creativity and innovation
Greater resilience in the face of challenges
More fulfilling personal and professional relationships
Enhanced ability to lift others up along with oneself

By cultivating healthy narcissism, individuals can lead passionate, fulfilling lives while fostering deep connections with others. This balance enables them to make meaningful contributions to the world without sacrificing their relationships or emotional well-being.

Last updated: January 25, 2025

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FAQ

What's Rethinking Narcissism about?

Dual Nature of Narcissism : The book explores both the negative and positive aspects of narcissism, challenging the notion that it is solely destructive. Craig Malkin argues that a certain level of narcissism is essential for personal growth and fulfillment.
Narcissism Spectrum : Malkin introduces the concept of narcissism existing on a spectrum, from healthy to unhealthy, rather than as a binary condition. This perspective allows for a more nuanced understanding of narcissistic behaviors.
Personal Insights : The author shares personal anecdotes, particularly about his mother, to illustrate the complexities of narcissism in familial relationships, providing relatable context for the theoretical concepts discussed.

Why should I read Rethinking Narcissism?

Understanding Relationships : The book offers valuable insights into how narcissism affects personal relationships, both romantic and platonic. Readers can learn to identify narcissistic behaviors in themselves and others, improving their interactions.
Promoting Healthy Narcissism : Malkin emphasizes the importance of healthy narcissism for self-esteem and personal success, empowering readers to embrace their self-worth without falling into destructive patterns.
Practical Advice : It provides practical strategies for coping with narcissistic individuals in various aspects of life, including family, friendships, and work, helping readers navigate challenging relationships more effectively.

What are the key takeaways of Rethinking Narcissism?

Narcissism is a Spectrum : The book emphasizes that narcissism exists on a continuum, with healthy narcissism being beneficial and unhealthy narcissism being harmful. Understanding this can lead to better self-awareness and personal growth.
Healthy Narcissism is Vital : Malkin argues that feeling special is crucial for happiness and success. Healthy narcissism can enhance creativity, leadership, and relationships, while too little can lead to feelings of worthlessness.
Coping Strategies : The author provides strategies for recognizing and coping with narcissistic behaviors in others, including understanding warning signs and employing empathy prompts to foster healthier interactions.

What is the Narcissism Spectrum Scale (NSS) in Rethinking Narcissism?

Assessment Tool : The NSS is a new assessment tool created by Malkin and colleagues to measure narcissism across a spectrum, helping individuals identify their level of healthy and unhealthy narcissism.
Three Factors : The scale breaks down into three factors: Narcissism Deficits (ND), Healthy Narcissism (HN), and Extreme Narcissism (EN), each reflecting different patterns of behavior and emotional responses.
Self-Reflection : Taking the NSS encourages self-reflection, helping individuals understand their own narcissistic tendencies, which is the first step toward achieving a healthier balance on the spectrum.

How does Craig Malkin define healthy narcissism in Rethinking Narcissism?

Positive Self-View : Healthy narcissism is characterized by a positive self-image and the ability to feel special without needing to diminish others, allowing individuals to pursue their goals with confidence and resilience.
Empathy and Connection : Unlike extreme narcissism, healthy narcissism includes the capacity for empathy and genuine connection with others, fostering fulfilling relationships and a sense of community.
Emotional Resilience : Malkin highlights that healthy narcissism contributes to emotional resilience, enabling individuals to cope with setbacks and challenges while embracing their uniqueness.

What are the warning signs of unhealthy narcissism according to Rethinking Narcissism?

Emotion Phobia : Unhealthy narcissists often avoid acknowledging their own vulnerabilities, leading to a lack of empathy for others and defensive reactions to emotional topics.
Emotional Hot Potato : This involves projecting their own feelings onto others, creating confusion and frustration in relationships by making it seem like the other person is the one with the problem.
Stealth Control : Unhealthy narcissists may exert control over situations without making direct requests, manipulating circumstances to get what they want, leading to resentment in those around them.

What strategies does Rethinking Narcissism suggest for dealing with narcissists?

Empathy Prompts : Malkin suggests using empathy prompts to express your feelings and needs clearly, helping narcissists become more aware of their impact on others and encouraging emotional connection.
Setting Boundaries : Establishing clear boundaries is essential when dealing with narcissistic individuals, protecting your emotional well-being and preventing the relationship from becoming one-sided.
Seeking Support : It’s important to seek support from friends, family, or professionals when navigating relationships with narcissists, providing perspective and helping maintain self-esteem.

How does Rethinking Narcissism address the concept of echoism?

Definition of Echoism : Echoism is described as a personality trait characterized by a lack of self-assertion and an excessive focus on others' needs, often leading to feelings of worthlessness.
Impact on Relationships : Echoism can lead to unfulfilling relationships, as echoists may become overly accommodating, while narcissists may become exploitative, creating unhealthy dynamics.
Strategies for Change : Malkin provides strategies for echoists to reclaim their voices and desires, such as practicing self-assertion and recognizing their worth, moving toward a healthier balance on the narcissism spectrum.

What is the relationship between social media and narcissism as discussed in Rethinking Narcissism?

SoMe as a Stage : Malkin describes social media as a platform where individuals seek attention and validation, often leading to increased narcissistic behaviors through self-promotion and comparison.
Impact on Self-Esteem : Excessive time on social media can negatively affect self-esteem, particularly when users compare themselves to others, leading to feelings of inadequacy and loneliness.
Healthy Use of SoMe : Malkin suggests strategies for using social media in a way that promotes genuine connections rather than superficial validation, focusing on meaningful interactions and community engagement.

How can I promote healthy narcissism in my children according to Rethinking Narcissism?

Authoritative Parenting : Malkin advocates for an authoritative parenting style that combines warmth with appropriate control, helping children feel secure while teaching them to consider others' feelings.
Catching Good Behavior : Parents are encouraged to recognize and praise moments of empathy and kindness in their children, reinforcing the importance of caring for others and reducing entitlement.
Modeling Vulnerability : By openly sharing their own feelings and vulnerabilities, parents can teach children to express their emotions healthily, fostering emotional intelligence and secure attachments.

What are the emotional barriers to leaving a relationship with a narcissist as outlined in Rethinking Narcissism?

Fear of Change : Individuals often fear the unknown when considering leaving a narcissistic relationship, leading to feelings of helplessness and reluctance to take action.
Self-Blame : Many people in these relationships may internalize the narcissist’s behavior, blaming themselves for the issues, creating a powerful emotional barrier to leaving.
Emotional Attachment : The emotional bonds formed in relationships with narcissists can be difficult to break, but recognizing these attachments is crucial for understanding that they do not define one’s worth or future happiness.

What are the best quotes from Rethinking Narcissism and what do they mean?

“Narcissism isn’t all bad.” : This quote encapsulates Malkin's central thesis that while narcissism can lead to destructive behaviors, it also has positive aspects vital for personal success and happiness.
“Feeling special can make us better lovers and partners.” : This highlights the idea that a healthy sense of self-worth enhances relationships, allowing deeper connections with others.
“Danger lurks toward the ends of the narcissism spectrum.” : This serves as a cautionary reminder that both extreme narcissism and echoism can lead to unhealthy dynamics, emphasizing the importance of balance.