Sex, Dating, and Relationships

A Fresh Approach

by Gerald L. Hiestand • 2012 • 154 pages

4.11

638 ratings

Christian Relationships Christian Living

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Key Takeaways

1. Sex is a divine portrait of the gospel

Sex is not an end in itself; it is a type of something higher, pointing to the deeper reality of the gospel.

Divine design. God created sex to serve as a living witness to the spiritual union between Christ and the church. This connection explains why God commands sexual purity within marriage and celibacy outside of it. The physical oneness in marital sex reflects the spiritual oneness believers have with God through Christ.

Gospel reflection. Just as Christ is exclusively devoted to the church, a husband and wife are called to be sexually faithful to each other. This parallel extends to:

Monogamy: Christ has one bride; a man has one wife
Permanence: Christ doesn't divorce His church; spouses shouldn't divorce
Intimacy: The deep knowing in marriage reflects our intimate relationship with God

Understanding this gospel connection gives profound meaning to human sexuality and provides a framework for maintaining sexual purity in all relationships.

2. God ordains three categories of male-female relationships

According to God's Word, we are to do nothing with a member of the opposite sex that we wouldn't do with a blood relative.

Biblical categories. Scripture outlines three distinct types of male-female relationships, each with specific guidelines for sexual expression:

Family relationship: No sexual activity permitted
Marriage relationship: Sexual activity commanded and celebrated
Neighbor relationship: Includes all non-family, non-spouse relationships; no sexual activity permitted

Clarity through categories. Understanding these categories provides clear guidance for sexual purity. The "neighbor" category applies to all non-married relationships, including dating. This eliminates ambiguity about appropriate physical boundaries in dating relationships. If an activity would be sexually inappropriate with a sibling, it's inappropriate in any non-marital relationship.

3. Dating relationships blur moral boundaries

A dating relationship is nothing more than a mirage, a relationship of smoke and mirrors that promises to be something more than it really is.

False security. Traditional dating relationships often create an illusion of commitment and security that doesn't actually exist. This can lead to premature emotional and physical intimacy, setting the stage for heartbreak and compromised purity.

Misplaced expectations. Dating relationships typically involve:

Titles (boyfriend/girlfriend) that imply commitment
Expectations of exclusivity
Romantic and physical expressions of affection

However, these relationships lack true commitment, as either party can end the relationship at any time for any reason. This mismatch between expectations and reality can lead to:

Emotional vulnerability without security
Physical intimacy without commitment
Confusion about appropriate boundaries

Understanding that dating relationships are still fundamentally "neighbor" relationships helps maintain proper boundaries and protects both parties from unnecessary hurt.

4. Sexual desire and lust originate in the heart

To lust is simply to desire someone sexually who should not be desired.

Heart issue. Contrary to popular belief, lust is not primarily about mental fantasies or physical arousal. Jesus teaches that lust occurs in the heart (Matthew 5:28). This means that even spontaneous sexual desire for someone who is not your spouse constitutes lust.

Controllable desire. While many view sexual desire as an uncontrollable bodily appetite, Scripture teaches that it can and should be controlled. This control stems from:

Our convictions about God's truth
Our spiritual union with Christ
The work of the Holy Spirit in our lives

Developing a heart that desires purity requires:

Embracing God's design for sexuality
Cultivating a deep relationship with Christ
Asking God to transform our desires
Believing that sexual immorality is truly harmful

5. Guard your heart: Awaken love at the right time

Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.

Timing matters. The Song of Solomon warns against prematurely awakening romantic love. This principle applies to both emotional and physical intimacy in relationships. Arousing passions before the appropriate context (marriage) can lead to:

Emotional pain and disappointment
Temptation to compromise sexual purity
Distorted expectations for future relationships

Practical application:

Avoid activities that intentionally stir up romantic feelings
Be cautious about becoming emotionally dependent on someone you're not married to
Reserve deep romantic gestures and expressions for engagement/marriage
Focus on friendship and character assessment in pre-engagement relationships

By guarding your heart and the hearts of others, you protect the image of God expressed through human sexuality and set yourself up for a healthier future marriage.

6. Dating friendships: A biblical alternative to traditional dating

Think of a dating friendship as a precursor to a marriage proposal but without all the romantic, sexual overtones that so often accompany a typical dating relationship.

New approach. A "dating friendship" is defined as "two friends getting to know each other with a view toward marriage." This model preserves the purity guidelines of the neighbor relationship while allowing couples to explore marriage compatibility.

Key elements of dating friendships:

Maintain sexual and romantic purity boundaries
Communicate clearly about intentions
View dating as an activity, not a relationship category
Consider exclusivity as voluntary, not obligatory

Advantages:

Clarity about relationship boundaries
Freedom to assess compatibility without romantic distractions
Reduced risk of emotional and physical compromise
Consistency with biblical teaching on relationships

This approach allows couples to make informed decisions about marriage while honoring God's design for sexuality and relationships.

7. Integrate purity into your whole life

You will likely not maintain purity in your premarital relationships if you do not let the gospel transform you in every area of life.

Holistic purity. Sexual purity isn't just about what you do (or don't do) in dating relationships. It's a lifestyle that impacts every area of life. Areas to consider:

Entertainment choices: Music, movies, TV, internet
Modesty in dress
Speech and interactions (e.g., flirting)
Personal habits (e.g., masturbation)

Gospel-centered approach. True purity flows from a heart transformed by the gospel. This involves:

Acknowledging your need for grace
Embracing justification through Christ
Allowing God to convict you of sin
Relying on God's strength for growth
Cultivating humility

By integrating purity into your whole life, you create a foundation that supports maintaining sexual boundaries in relationships.

8. Singleness can be a strategic calling for gospel advancement

Celibacy for the sake of the gospel is not a lesser state. Indeed, if chosen for godly reasons, singleness is valuable, strategic, and commendable.

Biblical perspective. While our culture often views singleness as undesirable, the Apostle Paul commends it as a potentially preferable state for serving Christ (1 Corinthians 7:25-40). Singleness allows for:

Undivided devotion to the Lord
Greater flexibility for ministry
Focused energy on gospel advancement

Types of singleness:

By choice: Intentionally choosing celibacy for kingdom purposes
By gifting: Those with the "gift of singleness" (reduced sexual desire)
By God's providence: Those who desire marriage but remain single

For those in the third category, viewing celibacy as a "divinely appointed fast" can help reframe the experience and draw one closer to God.

Considerations:

Prayerfully consider if God is calling you to singleness for His kingdom
If single, use your current state strategically for gospel work
Whether married or single, prioritize your relationship with Christ above all

Last updated: May 28, 2025

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FAQ

What is "Sex, Dating, and Relationships: A Fresh Approach" by Gerald L. Hiestand and Jay Thomas about?

Biblical Framework for Purity: The book offers a theologically grounded, gospel-centered approach to sex, dating, and relationships, challenging both secular and Christian cultural norms.
Redefining Relationship Categories: It argues that modern dating has created a new, unbiblical category of relationship, and instead calls for relationships to be understood within God-ordained categories: family, marriage, and neighbor.
Sex as a Gospel Image: The authors emphasize that sex and marriage are designed to reflect the spiritual union between Christ and the church.
Practical Guidance: The book provides practical advice for singles, parents, and church leaders on how to pursue purity, navigate romantic desire, and find a spouse in a way that honors God.

Why should I read "Sex, Dating, and Relationships: A Fresh Approach" by Gerald L. Hiestand and Jay Thomas?

Clarity Amidst Confusion: The book addresses the confusion and subjectivity surrounding sexual boundaries in Christian dating, offering clear, objective biblical standards.
Gospel-Centered Perspective: It reframes sex and relationships as fundamentally about the gospel, not just personal fulfillment or rule-keeping.
Practical and Pastoral: Readers receive actionable advice for real-life situations, including how to guard their hearts, set boundaries, and pursue relationships with integrity.
Countercultural Wisdom: The book challenges both secular and Christian dating norms, making it valuable for anyone seeking a fresh, biblically faithful approach.

What are the key takeaways from "Sex, Dating, and Relationships: A Fresh Approach"?

Sex Reflects the Gospel: Human sexuality and marriage are designed to be living illustrations of Christ’s relationship with the church.
No New Relationship Category: Dating is not a separate biblical category; all unmarried relationships fall under the "neighbor" category, with corresponding purity standards.
Guarding Heart and Body: Both sexual and romantic desires should be carefully guarded and only fully awakened within marriage or engagement.
Dating Friendships Model: The authors propose "dating friendships" as an alternative to traditional dating, focusing on friendship and clarity of intent without premature romantic or sexual involvement.

How does "Sex, Dating, and Relationships" by Hiestand and Thomas define the purpose of sex?

Living Portrait of the Gospel: Sex is created by God to serve as a living image of the spiritual union between Christ and the church.
Not Just for Procreation or Pleasure: While sex is pleasurable and procreative, its highest purpose is to point to a greater spiritual reality.
Monogamy and Permanency: The exclusive, permanent nature of marital sex reflects Christ’s exclusive, eternal commitment to His people.
Sexual Purity as Worship: Sexual boundaries are not arbitrary but are meant to preserve the integrity of this gospel image.

What are the three God-ordained categories of male-female relationships in "Sex, Dating, and Relationships"?

Family Relationship: Sexual activity is prohibited between blood relatives, reflecting God’s commands in the Old Testament law.
Marriage Relationship: Sexual activity is not only permitted but commanded within marriage, as it images the union of Christ and the church.
Neighbor Relationship: All other male-female relationships (friends, coworkers, dating partners) are to be nonsexual, following the biblical standard of purity.

How does "Sex, Dating, and Relationships" answer the question, "How far is too far?" in dating?

Sexual Activity Reserved for Marriage: Any activity that is sexual in nature, not just intercourse, is to be reserved for marriage.
Family Test for Boundaries: If an action would be inappropriate with a sibling, it is sexual and should be avoided with a non-spouse.
Passionate Kissing Included: The book argues that passionate kissing and similar activities are sexual and thus off-limits outside marriage.
Objective, Not Subjective: Purity standards are not left to individual feelings or convictions but are grounded in biblical categories.

What is the "dating dilemma" according to Hiestand and Thomas, and how does it affect Christian singles?

Dating as a New Category: Modern dating creates a pseudo-committed relationship that blurs the lines between neighbor and marriage.
False Sense of Security: Dating relationships often give the illusion of commitment without the reality, leading to emotional and sexual vulnerability.
Subjective Boundaries: Because dating is not a biblical category, couples invent their own standards, often leading to compromise.
Return to Biblical Categories: The authors urge singles to treat all pre-marriage relationships as neighbor relationships, with corresponding purity.

What is a "dating friendship" as proposed in "Sex, Dating, and Relationships," and how does it differ from traditional dating?

Definition: A dating friendship is two friends getting to know each other with a view toward marriage, without romantic or sexual involvement.
No New Relationship Category: It maintains the neighbor relationship, avoiding the false security and premature intimacy of traditional dating.
Clear Communication: Intentions are communicated openly, and exclusivity is voluntary, not assumed.
Advantages: Dating friendships reduce heartache, clarify boundaries, and allow for genuine discernment of marriage potential.

How does "Sex, Dating, and Relationships" address the control of sexual and romantic desire?

Desire Is Controllable: The book teaches that sexual and romantic desires are not uncontrollable urges but can be governed by the heart and will.
Lust Defined: Lust is desiring someone sexually who is not your spouse; even emotional or spontaneous desire can be sinful if directed wrongly.
Guarding the Heart: Romantic love should not be aroused or awakened until it can be fulfilled in marriage, following the wisdom of Song of Solomon.
Faith and Conviction: True purity comes from being convinced of God’s goodness and the sufficiency of Christ, not just from external rules.

What practical advice does "Sex, Dating, and Relationships" give for living a life of purity beyond dating?

Gospel-Integrated Life: Purity is not just about dating but about integrating the gospel into every area of life.
Modesty and Media Choices: The book encourages intentional modesty in dress and discernment in entertainment to avoid arousing sexual desire.
Internet and Accountability: It recommends using accountability and, if necessary, technology to guard against online temptation.
Masturbation and Flirting: The authors lean against masturbation and warn against serial flirting, as both undermine the gospel image of sexuality.

How does "Sex, Dating, and Relationships" by Hiestand and Thomas view singleness and celibacy?

Singleness as a Calling: Singleness is not a lesser state but can be a strategic, God-honoring calling for gospel ministry.
Gift of Singleness: The "gift" is the ability to be content without marriage, not singleness itself.
Celibacy as Fasting: Unwanted singleness is seen as a divinely appointed fast, meant to draw the single person closer to God.
God’s Sufficiency: The book encourages singles to trust God’s goodness and sovereignty, finding ultimate satisfaction in Christ.

What are the best quotes from "Sex, Dating, and Relationships: A Fresh Approach" and what do they mean?

"Sex and relationships are all about the gospel." This quote encapsulates the book’s central thesis that sexuality is designed to point to Christ’s relationship with the church.
"You are not your own; you have been bought with a price and therefore must honor God with your body." This highlights the call to live out sexual purity as an act of worship and stewardship.
"Don’t give your heart away until you know what he plans to do with it." This advice urges emotional and romantic caution, especially for women, until a man’s intentions are clear.
"The time to bring on the romance is when you’re ready to bring on the ring!" This memorable line summarizes the book’s counsel to reserve romantic and sexual expression for engagement and marriage.
"Strive for the ideal with all your heart while affording yourself the same grace God has granted to you through Christ." This quote encourages readers to pursue God’s standards while relying on His grace for their shortcomings.