Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist Summary

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist

How to End the Drama and Get on with Life
by Margalis Fjelstad • 2013 • 190 pages
4.36
1.7K ratings
Psychology Self Help Mental Health
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Key Takeaways

1. Recognize the signs of a borderline/narcissist and understand your caretaker role

Fear, obligation, and guilt tend to pull you into a set of delusional thoughts and behaviors that trap you in the Caretaker role as you try to make life better for the BP/NP.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are serious mental illnesses that profoundly impact family members. People with BPD and NPD exhibit patterns of unstable interpersonal relationships, distorted self-image, intense and volatile emotions, and impulsive behaviors. They often struggle with feelings of emptiness, fear of abandonment, and a fragile sense of self.

Caretakers in these relationships often:

  • Feel responsible for the BP/NP's emotions and actions
  • Constantly try to please and appease the BP/NP
  • Neglect their own needs and wants
  • Experience chronic anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem
  • Lose their sense of identity and personal boundaries

Understanding these dynamics is crucial for breaking free from the destructive cycle of caretaking and reclaiming your life.

2. Break free from the drama triangle of victim, persecutor, and rescuer

Whenever anyone gets uncomfortable in their role, they only have either of the other two roles to choose from.

The Drama Triangle keeps you trapped in dysfunctional patterns with the BP/NP. In this model, people cycle through three roles:

  • Victim: Feels helpless, powerless, and unable to solve problems
  • Persecutor: Criticizes, blames, and attacks others
  • Rescuer: Tries to "save" others, often at their own expense

To break free from this cycle:

  1. Recognize when you're falling into these roles
  2. Take responsibility for your own feelings and actions
  3. Allow others to face the consequences of their choices
  4. Focus on problem-solving rather than blame or rescue

By stepping out of the Drama Triangle, you can create healthier, more balanced relationships and regain control of your life.

3. Challenge unhealthy family rules and set boundaries with the BP/NP

Setting limits and boundaries on what you will allow, accept, and encourage the BP/NP to do to you is essential.

Unhealthy family rules keep you trapped in the caretaker role. These rules often include:

  • Never saying "no" to the BP/NP
  • Always putting the BP/NP's needs first
  • Keeping family secrets and maintaining a facade of perfection
  • Avoiding conflict at all costs

To challenge these rules and set healthy boundaries:

  1. Identify your personal limits and non-negotiables
  2. Clearly communicate your boundaries to the BP/NP
  3. Use "I" statements to express your needs and feelings
  4. Follow through with consequences when boundaries are violated
  5. Practice self-care and prioritize your own well-being

Remember, setting boundaries is not selfish – it's essential for maintaining your mental health and creating more balanced relationships.

4. Embrace new beliefs and behaviors to increase self-confidence

Anything that you want to change will have a better chance of success if you simply change what you are doing.

Rebuilding self-confidence is crucial for breaking free from caretaking. This involves:

  1. Challenging negative self-talk and replacing it with positive affirmations
  2. Recognizing and celebrating your strengths and accomplishments
  3. Setting and achieving personal goals
  4. Learning to trust your own judgment and intuition
  5. Practicing self-compassion and forgiveness

Specific strategies to boost self-confidence:

  • Keep a daily gratitude journal
  • Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment
  • Surround yourself with supportive, positive people
  • Learn new skills or hobbies to expand your sense of competence
  • Practice assertiveness in your daily interactions

Remember, building self-confidence is a gradual process. Be patient with yourself and celebrate small victories along the way.

5. Learn anxiety-reducing and change-creating skills for interacting with the BP/NP

Being firm means that you stick to what you have decided to do differently, even if by the time you get out of the house to do it, you don't really have the interest or energy anymore.

Effective communication and boundary-setting are key to managing interactions with the BP/NP. Some essential skills include:

  1. Use the Yale communication model:

  2. Practice emotional regulation:

  3. Implement change-creating strategies:

By mastering these skills, you can reduce anxiety and create positive changes in your interactions with the BP/NP, while maintaining your own emotional well-being.

6. Decide whether to stay or leave the relationship with a BP/NP

Only you can determine what is best for you.

The decision to stay or leave a relationship with a BP/NP is deeply personal and complex. Factors to consider include:

  • The severity and frequency of BP/NP symptoms
  • Your emotional and physical well-being
  • The impact on children or other family members
  • Financial considerations
  • Your ability to maintain boundaries and self-care

If you choose to stay:

  • Commit to ongoing personal growth and boundary-setting
  • Develop a strong support network outside the relationship
  • Continue therapy or counseling for yourself
  • Accept that the BP/NP may not change significantly

If you choose to leave:

  • Create a safety plan if there's a risk of violence or retaliation
  • Seek legal advice, especially if children are involved
  • Build a support system of friends, family, and professionals
  • Focus on healing and rebuilding your life post-relationship

Remember, there's no one-size-fits-all solution. Trust your instincts and prioritize your well-being in making this decision.

7. Rebuild your life by nurturing yourself and reaching out to others

Rebuilding your sense of self means rejoining the world of other people, experiencing connections with others, and creating a life that you enjoy and that makes you feel truly good about yourself.

Rebuilding your life after caretaking involves self-nurturing and forming healthy connections. Key steps include:

  1. Prioritize self-care:

  2. Develop a support network:

  3. Explore new interests and set personal goals:

  4. Practice healthy relationship skills:

Remember, rebuilding your life is a journey. Be patient with yourself, celebrate small victories, and focus on creating a life that aligns with your values and brings you genuine happiness.

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