Key Takeaways
1. Death is a Teacher: Embracing Mortality to Live Fully
The only thing in our control is how we choose to engage with our mortality once we become aware of it.
Mortality as a motivator. The awareness of death, rather than being a source of fear, can be a powerful catalyst for living a more meaningful and intentional life. It prompts us to consider what truly matters, what we want to experience, and who we want to be. This awareness can help us prioritize our values and make choices that align with our deepest desires.
Life's preciousness. Recognizing the finite nature of our existence can heighten our appreciation for the present moment. It encourages us to savor the small joys, connect deeply with others, and engage fully with the world around us. This perspective can transform ordinary experiences into extraordinary ones.
- The author's near-death experience in Cuba made her realize she didn't want to die with regrets.
- Her conversation with Jessica, who had cancer, highlighted the importance of living fully.
Shifting perspective. Instead of viewing death as an end, we can see it as a natural part of the life cycle. This shift in perspective can help us approach death with curiosity, acceptance, and even a sense of peace. It allows us to move beyond the fear of death and embrace the fullness of life.
2. The Body's Wisdom: Honoring Our Physicality
The body is our most trustworthy companion.
Body as a vessel. Our bodies are not merely physical forms but are the vessels through which we experience the world. They are our most reliable companions, carrying out countless tasks without our conscious effort. We should honor and appreciate them for their resilience, strength, and ability to connect us to the world.
- The author's experience as a runner taught her that the body has its own limits and wisdom.
- She highlights the body's ability to heal, regulate, and alert us to danger.
Bodies tell stories. Our bodies carry the marks of our lives, revealing clues about our experiences, joys, and struggles. Scars, wrinkles, and even the way we hold ourselves tell a story about how we have moved through the world. These physical attributes are not flaws but rather evidence of a life fully lived.
- The author describes how her clients' faces often revealed their life stories.
- She hopes her own body will reflect a life of dance, joy, and love.
Surrender to the body. Ultimately, our bodies will age, deteriorate, and eventually die. Instead of fighting this natural process, we can learn to listen to our bodies, honor their needs, and grant them release when the time comes. This surrender allows us to embrace the full cycle of life, including its inevitable end.
3. Death as a Catalyst: Transforming Through Loss
Death does not happen to us. It is something that we do. To die is an action verb.
Loss as a teacher. Experiences of loss, whether through death or other forms of change, can be powerful catalysts for personal transformation. They force us to confront our vulnerabilities, re-evaluate our priorities, and ultimately grow into more resilient and compassionate individuals.
- The author's family's escape from a coup in Ghana shaped her life and her family's bond.
- The death of her brother-in-law, Peter, led her to become a death doula.
Opportunity in chaos. Even in the midst of chaos and loss, there is often an opportunity for growth and transformation. Just as a forest fire can clear the way for new life, difficult experiences can create space for new beginnings and unexpected possibilities.
- The author's family's escape from Ghana led to a closer bond and new opportunities.
- Her depression was an invitation to fill her empty body with purpose.
Death as a process. Dying is not a passive event but an active process of transformation. It is a journey that requires us to surrender to the unknown and to let go of what no longer serves us. By embracing this process, we can find meaning and purpose even in the face of death.
4. The Power of Presence: Showing Up and Shutting Up
My motto to support the grieving or the dying is simple: show up and shut up.
Compassion over empathy. While empathy can be valuable, it is not always the most effective way to support someone who is dying or grieving. Compassion, which involves acknowledging another's pain without trying to fix it, is often more helpful.
- The author learned from her experience with Natasha that empathy can lead to overstepping boundaries.
- She emphasizes the importance of listening and validating others' experiences.
The gift of witness. Sometimes, the most powerful thing we can do for someone who is suffering is simply to be present with them. This involves creating space for them to express their emotions, share their stories, and feel seen and heard without judgment.
- The author describes how she sat with Jessica on the bus, listening to her talk about her death.
- She also describes how she supported Peter by being present and handling practical tasks.
Letting go of control. When supporting someone who is dying or grieving, it is important to let go of the need to fix their pain or control their experience. Instead, we can offer our presence, our compassion, and our willingness to walk alongside them on their journey.
5. Doulaing Death: A Calling to Serve
To serve as a death doula is to provide a ring in the circle of support.
More than bedside care. Being a death doula involves more than just sitting bedside and holding hands. It requires a deep understanding of the dying process, the practicalities of end-of-life care, and the emotional needs of both the dying person and their loved ones.
- The author describes the many skills and knowledge required to be an effective death doula.
- She emphasizes the importance of self-care for those who do this work.
A holistic approach. Death doulas provide a holistic approach to end-of-life care, addressing not only the physical needs of the dying but also their emotional, spiritual, and practical needs. They serve as a bridge between the medical system and the individual, ensuring that the dying person's wishes are honored.
- The author describes how she helped Peter and his family navigate his illness and death.
- She also describes how she helped Akua create rituals for her deathbed.
Empowering the dying. Ultimately, the role of a death doula is to empower the dying person to make their own choices and to live their final days in a way that feels meaningful and authentic to them. This involves honoring their values, respecting their wishes, and supporting them in their journey toward death.
6. Beyond the Binary: Navigating Identity in Death
How we die is wrapped up largely in the intersections of our identities.
Death is not an equalizer. While death is a universal experience, it is not an equalizer. Our identities, including our race, gender, sexual orientation, and socioeconomic status, all play a role in shaping how we live and how we die.
- The author describes how her Blackness has shaped her experiences in life and death.
- She also highlights the disparities in healthcare and deathcare for marginalized communities.
Honoring diverse experiences. It is crucial to acknowledge and honor the diverse experiences of those who are dying. This involves recognizing the unique challenges and barriers that different communities face and providing culturally sensitive care that meets their specific needs.
- The author emphasizes the importance of validating a person's identity in death.
- She also highlights the need for more education about caring for Black people in the deathcare industry.
Challenging societal norms. By acknowledging the role of identity in death, we can challenge societal norms and create a more inclusive and equitable approach to end-of-life care. This involves recognizing our own biases and privileges and working to dismantle systems of oppression that perpetuate inequality.
7. The Messy Beauty of Love: Grief, Loss, and Connection
The risk of loving anything is to lose it.
Love and loss are intertwined. Love and loss are two sides of the same coin. The more deeply we love, the more intensely we will grieve when that love is lost. This is a natural part of the human experience, and it is important to allow ourselves to feel the full range of emotions that come with loss.
- The author describes her deep love for her brother-in-law, Peter, and the pain of his death.
- She also describes the heartbreak of her failed marriage with Kip.
Grief is not linear. Grief is not a linear process but rather a complex and unpredictable journey. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and it is important to allow ourselves to feel whatever emotions arise without judgment.
- The author describes her own grief journey after Peter's death.
- She also describes the grief of her client, Elena, after her husband's death.
Love endures. Even after death, the love we have shared with others does not disappear. It transforms and continues to shape our lives in profound ways. By honoring the love we have experienced, we can find meaning and purpose even in the midst of loss.
8. The Trap of "Should": Releasing Societal Expectations
We approach death like we approach life.
The tyranny of "should." Many of us live our lives according to societal expectations and cultural norms, rather than our own values and desires. This can lead to a sense of emptiness and dissatisfaction, as we are constantly trying to live up to an ideal that is not our own.
- The author describes how she tried to fit into the mold of a "successful lawyer."
- She also describes how she struggled with the societal expectations of marriage and motherhood.
Authenticity over conformity. It is important to release the need to conform to societal expectations and instead embrace our own unique paths. This involves listening to our inner voice, honoring our values, and making choices that align with our authentic selves.
- The author describes how she finally embraced her own style and passions.
- She also describes how she supported Akua in her desire to dance again.
Living a life of purpose. By releasing the need to live up to others' expectations, we can create a life that is truly meaningful and fulfilling. This involves identifying our passions, pursuing our curiosities, and making choices that align with our deepest values.
9. The Power of "I Don't Know": Surrendering to Uncertainty
The true answer to most of the questions about death is “I don’t know.”
Embracing the unknown. Death is inherently mysterious, and there are many questions that we will never be able to answer. Instead of trying to control the unknown, we can learn to embrace it with curiosity, acceptance, and a sense of wonder.
- The author describes how she had to accept that she didn't know what death felt like.
- She also describes how she supported Leslie in her questions about the afterlife.
The limits of knowledge. Our desire for certainty can often lead us to cling to beliefs and ideas that are not necessarily true. By acknowledging the limits of our knowledge, we can open ourselves up to new possibilities and perspectives.
- The author describes how she had to let go of her need to have all the answers.
- She also describes how she learned to trust her intuition and instincts.
Finding peace in uncertainty. Ultimately, the journey of life and death is a journey into the unknown. By embracing the uncertainty, we can find a sense of peace and acceptance, knowing that we are part of something much larger than ourselves.
10. Finding Your Feet: Grounding in the Present Moment
The mind can travel. The body is always right here.
The power of the present. Our minds often wander to the past or the future, but the only moment we truly have is the present. By grounding ourselves in the present moment, we can find a sense of peace, clarity, and connection to our bodies and the world around us.
- The author describes how she uses the practice of "finding your feet" to ground herself.
- She also describes how she helped her client, Mike, to stay present with his illness.
The body as an anchor. Our bodies are always present, and they can serve as an anchor to bring us back to the present moment. By paying attention to our senses, our breath, and our physical sensations, we can cultivate a deeper connection to ourselves and the world around us.
- The author describes how she uses her body to connect with the present moment.
- She also describes how she uses her senses to ground herself after attending a death.
Acceptance of the now. By embracing the present moment, we can let go of our need to control the future or change the past. This acceptance allows us to find peace and joy in the here and now, regardless of our circumstances.
11. The Legacy We Leave: Living Authentically
We are a mosaic of every place we’ve ever been, a reflection of those we’ve ever met, and a tapestry of who has touched us.
Every action creates a legacy. Every choice we make, every word we speak, and every action we take contributes to the legacy we leave behind. Our legacies are not just about what we accomplish but also about how we treat others and how we live our lives.
- The author describes how her family's experiences shaped her legacy.
- She also describes how she wants her body to reflect a life of joy and love.
Authenticity over perfection. It is more important to live authentically than to try to live up to an ideal of perfection. By embracing our flaws, our vulnerabilities, and our unique qualities, we can create a legacy that is true to ourselves.
- The author describes how she finally embraced her own style and passions.
- She also describes how she supported Ken in his desire to have glittery nails in his coffin.
Living a life of purpose. By living authentically, we can create a legacy that is meaningful and impactful. This involves identifying our values, pursuing our passions, and making choices that align with our deepest desires.
12. Breaking Open: Embracing Vulnerability and Need
Sometimes all we need is a little time, if we’ve got it. And for others to lovingly hold us exactly where we are.
Vulnerability as strength. Vulnerability is not a weakness but rather a source of strength. By allowing ourselves to be seen and known, we can create deeper connections with others and experience the full range of human emotions.
- The author describes how she learned to embrace her vulnerability through her work.
- She also describes how she supported Justina in her vulnerability at the end of her life.
The power of connection. We are not meant to go through life alone. By allowing ourselves to be supported by others, we can experience the power of human connection and find strength in our shared experiences.
- The author describes how she relied on her friends and family during her depression.
- She also describes how she supported her client, Claudia, in her fear of needing others.
The gift of receiving. It is just as important to receive as it is to give. By allowing others to care for us, we create space for them to express their love and compassion. This reciprocal exchange of care is essential for building strong and meaningful relationships.
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FAQ
What's Briefly Perfectly Human about?
- Exploration of Death and Dying : The book delves into Alua Arthur's experiences as a death doula, sharing stories of clients and their journeys through life and death. It emphasizes understanding and accepting mortality as part of the human experience.
- Personal Narratives : Arthur weaves personal anecdotes with client stories, illustrating the universal nature of death and the unique ways individuals cope with it. The narrative is intimate and educational, providing insights into the emotional landscape surrounding death.
- Cultural Perspectives : The book examines how different cultures view death and dying, highlighting disparities based on race, privilege, and societal norms. This encourages readers to reflect on their own beliefs and practices regarding death.
Why should I read Briefly Perfectly Human?
- Understanding Mortality : The book offers a compassionate perspective on death, helping readers confront fears and anxieties surrounding mortality. It encourages open conversations about death, often a taboo subject.
- Empathy and Connection : Arthur's storytelling fosters empathy and connection, allowing readers to feel less alone in their experiences with loss and grief. The shared human experience of dying resonates with everyone.
- Practical Guidance : It provides practical advice on supporting loved ones who are dying and navigating the complexities of grief. Readers gain insights into the role of a death doula and how to apply these lessons in their lives.
What are the key takeaways of Briefly Perfectly Human?
- Embrace Vulnerability : The book emphasizes the importance of being vulnerable and open about fears regarding death. Acknowledging these feelings can lead to deeper connections with ourselves and others.
- Death is a Process : Arthur illustrates that dying is not just an event but a process involving transformation and acceptance. Understanding this can help individuals navigate their experiences with death more gracefully.
- Cultural Sensitivity : The author highlights the need for cultural sensitivity in death care, recognizing that different backgrounds influence how people approach dying. This awareness can lead to more compassionate support.
What are the best quotes from Briefly Perfectly Human and what do they mean?
- “You are seen. You are heard. Your life matters. Your death will too.” : This quote encapsulates the book's message of validation and recognition, emphasizing the significance of every individual's life and death.
- “Death does not happen to us. It is something that we do.” : This statement reframes death as an active process, encouraging readers to engage with their mortality meaningfully.
- “We can spend our lives fretting about our deaths, or we can use our brief time to sink deeper into the experience of being human.” : This quote highlights the importance of living authentically and fully, rather than being paralyzed by the fear of death.
How does Alua Arthur define a death doula in Briefly Perfectly Human?
- Supportive Role : A death doula provides emotional, physical, and spiritual support to individuals who are dying and their families. This involves being present, listening, and facilitating conversations about death.
- Advocate for the Dying : Death doulas advocate for the wishes and needs of the dying, ensuring their preferences are honored. This can include end-of-life planning and creating a peaceful environment.
- Cultural Awareness : Arthur emphasizes understanding clients' cultural backgrounds, as this influences their beliefs and practices surrounding death. A good death doula respects and honors these differences.
What methods does Alua Arthur suggest for coping with grief in Briefly Perfectly Human?
- Finding Your Feet : This practice involves grounding oneself in the present moment, helping manage anxiety and connect with the body during emotional distress.
- Creating Rituals : Arthur encourages creating personal rituals to honor the deceased and process grief. These rituals can provide closure and help navigate feelings tangibly.
- Open Conversations : The author advocates for open conversations about death and grief, allowing individuals to express their feelings and fears, fostering connection and understanding.
How does Briefly Perfectly Human address the topic of privilege in death?
- Cultural Disparities : Arthur discusses how race, class, and privilege impact experiences of dying and grieving, highlighting unequal access to quality end-of-life care.
- Awareness of Bias : The book encourages readers to be aware of their biases and privileges when discussing death, leading to more compassionate and equitable care.
- Empowerment through Knowledge : Arthur emphasizes educating oneself about the death care system and advocating for marginalized communities, helping navigate death with greater awareness.
What personal experiences does Alua Arthur share in Briefly Perfectly Human?
- Journey as a Death Doula : Arthur shares her journey of becoming a death doula, including initial experiences with clients and lessons learned, providing insight into the work's emotional and practical aspects.
- Loss and Grief : She recounts her experiences with loss, including her brother-in-law's death, illustrating grief's profound impact and shaping her understanding of death.
- Cultural Reflections : Arthur reflects on her Ghanaian heritage and how it informs her views on death and dying, adding depth to her understanding of mortality.
How does Alua Arthur suggest we prepare for our own death in Briefly Perfectly Human?
- Engage with Mortality : Arthur encourages readers to contemplate what they want their death to look like, leading to greater peace and acceptance.
- Create a Death Plan : She suggests creating a death plan outlining personal wishes for end-of-life care, including medical treatment and funeral arrangements, alleviating stress for loved ones.
- Foster Open Dialogue : The author emphasizes having open dialogues with family and friends about death, normalizing the topic and ensuring everyone is on the same page.
What role does community play in the themes of Briefly Perfectly Human?
- Support Systems : Arthur highlights the importance of community support for individuals who are dying and their families, providing emotional, physical, and practical assistance.
- Shared Experiences : The book illustrates how shared experiences of loss and grief can foster connection, alleviating feelings of isolation and loneliness.
- Cultural Practices : Arthur discusses how different communities have unique cultural practices surrounding death, enhancing the experience for both the dying and their loved ones.
How does vulnerability play a role in Briefly Perfectly Human?
- Strength in Vulnerability : Arthur argues that embracing vulnerability is essential for authentic living, fostering deeper connections with others.
- Facing Fears : Vulnerability is necessary for confronting fears about death and dying, encouraging readers to share fears and seek help.
- Healing Through Connection : The book illustrates how vulnerability can lead to healing, creating space for empathy and understanding.
How can I apply the lessons from Briefly Perfectly Human to my life?
- Practice Mindfulness : Arthur encourages being present, acknowledging feelings and experiences, cultivating a deeper appreciation for the moment.
- Engage in Open Conversations : The book advocates for discussing death and dying openly, normalizing these conversations and creating a supportive environment.
- Create an End-of-Life Plan : Arthur emphasizes planning for the end of life, providing peace of mind and ensuring wishes are honored, reducing stress for loved ones.
Briefly Perfectly Human receives mostly positive reviews, with readers praising Arthur's honest and transformative exploration of death and life. Many find the book thought-provoking, compassionate, and impactful. Some readers appreciate the personal memoir aspects, while others prefer more focus on death doula experiences. The book challenges perceptions of mortality, encouraging readers to confront their own deaths and live more fully. Critical reviews mention disorganized structure and less content about death doula work than expected. Overall, the book is seen as a powerful reflection on life, death, and human experiences.
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