Data, A Love Story Summary

Data, A Love Story

How I Gamed Online Dating to Meet My Match
by Amy Webb • 2013 • 296 pages
3.57
2.0K ratings
Memoir Relationships Self Help
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Key Takeaways

1. Online dating algorithms are flawed, but can be gamed with data

Bad data in equals bad data out.

Algorithmic limitations: Online dating sites use algorithms to match users based on inputted data. However, these algorithms are flawed because:

  • Users often provide inaccurate or aspirational information
  • Generic questions fail to capture nuanced preferences
  • Profit motives may prioritize user retention over perfect matches

Data-driven approach: To overcome these limitations, users can:

  • Analyze successful profiles and interactions
  • Collect and interpret data on potential matches
  • Use insights to optimize their own profiles and communication strategies

2. Create a detailed list of traits you want in a partner

If I was really making a fucking list, I'm making a fucking list!

Comprehensive criteria: Develop an exhaustive list of desired traits in a partner, considering:

  • Personal values and beliefs
  • Lifestyle preferences
  • Career and financial goals
  • Physical attributes
  • Intellectual and emotional compatibility

Honest self-reflection: Be brutally honest about your needs and wants, including:

  • Non-negotiable deal-breakers
  • Nice-to-have qualities
  • Areas where you're willing to compromise

This process helps clarify your priorities and guides your search for a compatible partner.

3. Develop a scoring system to evaluate potential matches

I needed a comprehensive list.

Point allocation: Assign point values to each trait on your list based on importance:

  • Highest points for essential qualities (e.g., 100 points for intelligence)
  • Lower points for desirable but less crucial traits (e.g., 20 points for shared hobbies)

Scoring thresholds: Establish minimum scores for different stages of dating:

  • Initial contact (e.g., 700 points)
  • First date (e.g., 800 points)
  • Serious relationship potential (e.g., 1000 points)

This system helps objectively evaluate potential matches and avoid wasting time on incompatible partners.

4. Popular dating profiles are brief, positive, and show some skin

I'm a fun-loving girl that enjoys . . .

Profile optimization: Successful dating profiles share common characteristics:

  • Concise descriptions (less than 100 words)
  • Upbeat, positive language
  • Minimal focus on career or accomplishments
  • High-quality photos showing some skin (e.g., bare arms, cleavage)

Key elements:

  • Use words like "fun," "outgoing," and "adventurous"
  • Avoid negative statements or complaints
  • Include 3-5 photos in various settings
  • Showcase your best physical features without being overtly sexual

5. Optimize your profile by studying successful competitors

I'd used math, logic, and a highly tailored data set to reverse-engineer an online dating algorithm so that it was personalized exactly for me.

Competitive analysis: Study popular profiles to identify winning strategies:

  • Analyze language, tone, and content
  • Note photo styles and compositions
  • Observe interaction patterns and response times

Profile makeover:

  • Rewrite your profile using insights from successful competitors
  • Update photos to match winning styles
  • Adjust your communication approach to mirror effective techniques

This data-driven approach helps create a more appealing and competitive profile.

6. Follow specific communication rules for online dating success

The goal of online dating is to get offline as quickly as possible.

Messaging guidelines:

  • Keep initial messages short (100-150 words)
  • Ask questions to show interest
  • Respond within 22-23 hours
  • Use light humor and flirting in instant messages
  • Limit conversations to 12 minutes

Topic selection:

  • Avoid discussing work or negative subjects
  • Focus on shared interests and fun experiences
  • Save personal details for in-person meetings

These rules help maintain interest and create opportunities for face-to-face meetings.

7. Be patient and selective to find your ideal match

I wasn't sitting around, lonely and despondent, waiting for someone to ask me out when I least expected it. I was simply calculating my next move and evaluating all my options.

Strategic patience: Resist the urge to settle for less-than-ideal matches:

  • Stick to your scoring system and minimum thresholds
  • Continue refining your profile and approach based on data
  • Trust that your ideal match exists and can be found

Selective dating:

  • Only pursue matches meeting your minimum criteria
  • Invest time in high-potential relationships
  • Be willing to expand your geographic search area

By remaining patient and selective, you increase your chances of finding a truly compatible partner who meets your carefully defined criteria.

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