Flying on the Inside Summary

Flying on the Inside

A Memoir of Trauma and Recovery
by Rachel Gotto • 2021 • 248 pages
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Key Takeaways

1. Childhood trauma and loss shape Rachel's resilience

I was so uncertain of myself, so distrustful of my own perceptions and sensations, that I was all too ready to trust the instincts of others over my own.

Difficult upbringing : Rachel's childhood in West Cork, Ireland, was marked by isolation and emotional turmoil. As part of an English family in a small Irish village, she felt like an outsider from an early age. Her father's controlling and emotionally abusive behavior created a toxic home environment, affecting Rachel's self-esteem and ability to trust her own instincts.

Coping mechanisms : To survive, Rachel developed a strong bond with her brother Dominic, who became her closest companion and confidant. The sea became a source of comfort and escape for both of them, offering a sense of freedom and connection to something greater than their immediate circumstances. These early experiences laid the foundation for Rachel's resilience and her ability to find solace in nature and relationships, skills that would prove crucial in her later life challenges.

2. Diving and the sea provide solace and connection

I soon learned to love diving, the best times were when Nic and I went down together, hand in hand, just the two of us.

Therapeutic power of water : The sea played a central role in Rachel's life, offering a sense of peace and belonging from childhood through adulthood. Learning to dive with her husband Nic deepened this connection, providing a shared passion and a meditative escape from everyday stresses.

Diving as metaphor : The act of diving became a powerful metaphor for Rachel's life journey:

  • Facing fears and pushing boundaries
  • Finding calm and clarity in challenging environments
  • Trusting in one's abilities and equipment
  • Experiencing weightlessness and freedom from earthly constraints

This profound connection to the sea would later help Rachel find her way back to herself during her most difficult times, serving as a touchstone for healing and self-discovery.

3. Tragic deaths of brother and husband test Rachel's strength

I was torn; between two lives and two states of being – falling in love and being in shock – and between two men who each in their own way needed me with an urgency that couldn't wait.

Overwhelming loss : Rachel's life was marked by two devastating losses in quick succession. First, her beloved brother Dominic died of cancer at age 28, after a grueling search for alternative treatments. Shortly after, her husband Nic drowned in a diving accident when Rachel was six months pregnant with their daughter.

Emotional turmoil : These tragedies plunged Rachel into a state of profound grief and shock. She struggled to reconcile the joy of impending motherhood with the crushing loss of her partner. The experience tested her resilience to its limits, forcing her to confront:

  • The unpredictability of life
  • The challenge of single parenthood
  • The need to process grief while caring for a newborn
  • The fear of further loss and abandonment

Despite the overwhelming pain, these experiences ultimately strengthened Rachel's capacity for survival and adaptation, skills that would prove crucial in her later challenges.

4. Brain surgery and recovery reveal inner determination

I was driven. Every day there were sessions in the gym and pool, which started at 9 a.m. and could continue until 4 p.m., depending on the abilities and physical stamina of the patient. I was always ready, champing at the bit first thing in the morning, and I'd be the last patient to leave at 4 p.m. if allowed.

Life-altering diagnosis : Rachel's world was turned upside down when she was diagnosed with a large arteriovenous malformation (AVM) in her brain, requiring high-risk surgery. The operation left her partially paralyzed and facing a long, arduous recovery process.

Unwavering persistence : Despite the bleak prognosis from doctors, Rachel approached her rehabilitation with fierce determination. Her recovery journey was marked by:

  • Grueling daily physical therapy sessions
  • Learning to use her non-dominant hand for basic tasks
  • Pushing herself beyond perceived limits
  • Refusing to accept a life of permanent disability

This period revealed Rachel's extraordinary inner strength and her ability to defy expectations through sheer force of will. Her recovery, while not complete, far exceeded medical predictions and laid the groundwork for her future resilience in the face of adversity.

5. Prescription drug dependency leads to a hellish withdrawal journey

I have just put behind me one of the most horrific nights in a long time. The depths of my despair had me talking out loud in the darkness for hours. I just couldn't contain the horror within my skull any longer. I wanted to die there and then, and get away from the body which is supposed to be my home.

Unexpected battle : Following her brain surgery, Rachel found herself dependent on a cocktail of prescription medications, particularly benzodiazepines. The process of weaning off these drugs proved to be one of the most challenging experiences of her life, surpassing even her previous traumas.

Withdrawal hell : Rachel's withdrawal journey was marked by:

  • Intense physical symptoms: insomnia, skin problems, muscle spasms
  • Severe psychological distress: anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts
  • Cognitive impairment: memory loss, difficulty concentrating
  • Social isolation due to agoraphobia and emotional instability

The process took over two years and required immense perseverance. Rachel had to restart the tapering process after a setback, showcasing her determination to regain control of her life and mind.

6. Buddhist principles and mindfulness aid in healing and self-discovery

I am learning about personal boundaries . . . Learning that the pattern of abuse [from my earliest days] has been replicating itself throughout my adult life, in my relationships with men . . . I'm beginning to move out of that and to say 'no', both literally and internally too. The yoga practice, as well as therapy, is helping me to have more awareness . . . It's going to be a slow process, but it will save me.

Holistic healing approach : As Rachel struggled with withdrawal and recovery, she found solace and healing in Buddhist teachings, mindfulness practices, and yoga. These disciplines provided tools for managing pain, anxiety, and negative thought patterns.

Transformative practices : Rachel's healing journey was supported by:

  • Daily yoga and meditation practice
  • Attending silent Buddhist retreats
  • Studying the teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh
  • Therapy sessions focusing on boundaries and self-awareness
  • Yin yoga for physical and emotional release

These practices helped Rachel develop a new relationship with her mind and body, fostering self-compassion and a sense of inner peace. The principles of mindfulness and acceptance became crucial in her ability to navigate the challenges of withdrawal and recovery.

7. Overcoming adversity transforms Rachel into a beacon of hope

I have changed in this period, and I can truly say that it's for the better. I have a different set of boundaries now, and my ability to understand myself and to express myself is much more mature. I realise that not everything is as we see it. I'm much calmer and I'm living in the here-and-now instead of rushing. I only have today, and that's just fine.

Personal growth : Through her numerous trials, Rachel emerged not just as a survivor, but as a transformed individual with deep insights into human resilience and healing. Her journey of overcoming adversity led to:

  • Increased self-awareness and emotional intelligence
  • Stronger personal boundaries and healthier relationships
  • A profound appreciation for living in the present moment
  • The ability to find meaning and growth in suffering

Inspiring others : Rachel's experiences and hard-won wisdom positioned her to become a source of hope and guidance for others facing similar challenges. Her story illustrates the potential for:

  • Transforming pain into personal growth
  • Finding strength in vulnerability
  • The healing power of mindfulness and self-compassion
  • The importance of perseverance in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds

Rachel's journey from trauma survivor to beacon of hope demonstrates the extraordinary capacity of the human spirit to not only endure but to flourish in the face of adversity.

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