Getting Past No Summary

Getting Past No

Negotiating in Difficult Situations
by William Ury • 1991 • 208 pages
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6.5K ratings
Business Communication Psychology
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Key Takeaways

1. Go to the Balcony: Step Back and Gain Perspective

The most natural thing to do when faced with a difficult person or situation is to react. It is also the biggest mistake you can make.

Suspend your reaction. When confronted with a difficult negotiation, resist the urge to react immediately. Instead, mentally step back to a "balcony" viewpoint to gain perspective. This allows you to:

  • Control your emotions and avoid impulsive responses
  • Assess the situation objectively
  • Keep focus on your ultimate goals

Buy time to think. Use tactics to create space for reflection:

  • Pause and say nothing
  • Rewind the conversation to clarify points
  • Take a time-out or break
  • Avoid making important decisions on the spot

By going to the balcony, you can respond strategically rather than reactively, increasing your chances of a successful negotiation outcome.

2. Step to Their Side: Listen and Acknowledge

Listening to someone may be the cheapest concession you can make.

Disarm through surprise. Instead of arguing or resisting, do the opposite of what your counterpart expects. Step to their side by:

  • Listening actively to understand their perspective
  • Acknowledging their points and feelings
  • Agreeing wherever possible without conceding your position

This approach helps:

  • Defuse negative emotions
  • Build rapport and trust
  • Make the other side more receptive to your views

Express your views without provoking. Once you've listened and acknowledged, share your perspective in a non-confrontational way:

  • Use "I" statements instead of accusatory "you" statements
  • Present differences as additions rather than contradictions
  • Stand up for yourself while maintaining respect

By stepping to their side, you create a climate conducive to joint problem-solving and mutual understanding.

3. Reframe: Change the Game

To change the negotiation game, you need to do the same thing. Do the opposite of what you may feel tempted to do. Treat your opponent like a partner.

Redirect attention. Instead of rejecting the other side's position, accept it and reframe it as an opportunity to discuss interests, options, and fair standards. Use problem-solving questions to:

  • Uncover underlying interests ("Why do you want that?")
  • Generate options ("What if we tried this approach?")
  • Explore fair criteria ("What makes that fair?")

Change the frame. Recast the conversation from:

  • Positions to interests
  • Past blame to future solutions
  • "You vs. Me" to "We vs. the problem"

By reframing, you shift the focus from confrontation to collaboration, increasing the likelihood of finding mutually satisfactory solutions.

4. Build a Golden Bridge: Make It Easy to Say Yes

Your job is to build a golden bridge across the chasm.

Remove obstacles to agreement. Address the four common reasons people resist:

  1. Not their idea: Involve them in crafting the solution
  2. Unmet interests: Satisfy their basic needs and concerns
  3. Fear of losing face: Help them save face with constituents
  4. Too much, too fast: Break the process into manageable steps

Make it attractive to say yes. Build a golden bridge by:

  • Asking for and incorporating their ideas
  • Satisfying unmet interests creatively
  • Helping them save face
  • Going slow to go fast

Remember: It's not enough to get to the other side of the chasm; you need to make crossing the bridge appealing and easy for your counterpart.

5. Use Power to Educate, Not Escalate

Use power to educate the other side that the only way for them to win is for both of you to win together.

Avoid the power paradox. Resist the temptation to use force or threats, which often backfire by increasing resistance. Instead:

  • Let them know the consequences of no agreement through:

  • Use the minimum power necessary to bring them back to the table

  • Neutralize attacks without counterattacking

  • Remind them of the golden bridge

Aim for mutual satisfaction. The goal is not victory, but education. Help your counterpart recognize that negotiation is the best way to satisfy their interests.

By using power constructively, you increase the chances of reaching a mutually beneficial agreement without damaging the relationship.

6. Overcome Obstacles with Preparation and Persistence

Preparation is easier to do when you're talking it over with someone else.

Prepare thoroughly. Before negotiating:

  • Identify interests, options, standards, and alternatives (BATNA)
  • Anticipate obstacles and plan responses
  • Rehearse with a colleague or friend

Be patient and persistent. Breakthrough negotiation takes time and effort. Remember:

  • Progress often comes gradually
  • Small breakthroughs can lead to major ones
  • Even seemingly impossible negotiations can yield satisfactory agreements

By preparing well and persisting through challenges, you increase your chances of success in difficult negotiations.

7. Turn Adversaries into Partners for Mutual Satisfaction

Your goal is not to win over them, but to win them over.

Change the game. The breakthrough strategy allows you to:

  • Approach opponents indirectly
  • Act contrary to their expectations
  • Treat them with respect as people to be persuaded, not objects to be pushed

Focus on mutual satisfaction. Instead of seeking victory:

  • Change the environment in which decisions are made
  • Let opponents draw their own conclusions
  • Help them choose for themselves

By transforming the negotiation from a confrontation to a side-by-side problem-solving exercise, you can turn adversaries into partners working towards a mutually satisfactory agreement.

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