How to Work with (Almost) Anyone
Key Takeaways
1. Build Best Possible Relationships (BPRs) for Success and Happiness
The quality of your working relationships determines your success and your happiness. Stop leaving it to chance. Start building the best possible relationships.
Importance of relationships : Your success and happiness at work depend significantly on the quality of your working relationships. These include interactions with managers, bosses, colleagues, peers, prospects, and key clients.
Current state : Most people leave the health and fate of these relationships to chance. They exchange pleasantries, hope for the best, and immediately dive into work. This approach often leads to disappointment, misunderstandings, and suboptimal relationships.
The solution : Actively build Best Possible Relationships (BPRs) by intentionally designing and managing how you work with people. BPRs are characterized by three key attributes:
- Safe: Remove fear and create psychological safety
- Vital: Amplify the good and create a sense of purpose, autonomy, and mastery
- Repairable: Build resilience to fix damage and carry on stronger than before
2. Conduct Keystone Conversations to Establish Safe, Vital, and Repairable Relationships
Create relationships that are safe, vital, and repairable.
The Keystone Conversation : At the heart of creating a BPR lies the Keystone Conversation. Like a keystone in architecture that locks an arch together, this conversation establishes the foundation for a stable and thriving relationship.
Benefits of Keystone Conversations :
- Generate shared responsibility for the relationship
- Create permission to continue talking about the relationship in good and hard times
- Provide a deeper understanding of the other person
Outcomes : A successful Keystone Conversation establishes:
- A shared commitment to something that matters
- Permission to talk again about how to keep succeeding
- A focus on the relationship's safety, vitality, and repairability
3. Prepare for Keystone Conversations with Five Essential Questions
The questions are straightforward and powerful. They're easy enough to answer quickly... and they take some work to answer well.
The Five Essential Questions :
The Amplify Question: What's your best?
The Steady Question: What are your practices and preferences?
The Good Date Question: What can you learn from successful past relationships?
The Bad Date Question: What can you learn from frustrating past relationships?
The Repair Question: How will you fix it when things go wrong?
Preparation : Take time to answer these questions thoughtfully before the conversation. Be brave, vulnerable, and truthful in your responses.
4. Invite and Initiate the Keystone Conversation with Confidence
Be the person who starts.
Making the first move : Recognize that there's never a perfect time to have this conversation, so take the initiative to start it.
When to initiate :
- Before first meeting for long-term working relationships
- In existing relationships that are going well
- To reset relationships that have gone stale
- After repairing a broken relationship
How to invite :
- Explain what the Keystone Conversation is about
- Share the five questions and how you'll prepare
- Invite them to prepare as well
- Allow them to decide some details (e.g., time and place)
Sample phrases :
- "I'd like us to chat about how we work together."
- "Let's talk about how we bring out the best in both of us, what things we want to avoid, and how we'll keep this relationship at its best even when the work is hard."
5. Create a Safe Environment for Open Dialogue
Is it safe, is it safe, is it safe, is it safe, is it safe?
Understanding safety : The brain constantly scans the environment to determine if it's safe. The Keystone Conversation, being unusual and inviting vulnerability, may initially feel dangerous.
TERA model : Increase the TERA Quotient to make the conversation feel safer:
- Tribe: Are you with me or against me?
- Expectation: Do I know the future or don't I?
- Rank: Are you more important or less important than I am?
- Autonomy: Do I get a say or don't I?
Strategies to increase safety :
- Choose an appropriate location
- Be curious and ask questions
- Share your own vulnerability
- Co-create the conversation
- Be the "strongest signal in the room" by embodying the mood you want to create
Key phrases :
- "Thanks for having this conversation with me—it means a lot."
- "What do you want from this conversation? What would make it most helpful for you?"
- "Do you want to answer this first, or shall I?"
6. Navigate the Conversation with Curiosity and Vulnerability
Nothing needs to be solved, decided, or fixed.
Approach : Treat the Keystone Conversation as a space for sharing useful, true, and heartfelt information. Focus on listening with intent and seeking to understand.
Key strategies :
- Don't skip the hard things: Work through all five questions, including the challenging ones
- Ask and answer: If you hold the balance of power, resist the temptation to only ask questions without answering them yourself
- Stay curious: Use phrases like "I'm curious to hear your answer to this" and "And what else?"
- Share vulnerability: Offer your own answers and insights
Balancing act : Navigate between asking questions and sharing your own perspectives. Remember that the goal is mutual understanding, not problem-solving or decision-making in the moment.
7. End Strong and Commit to Ongoing Maintenance
You've made a brilliant start.
The power of endings : Due to the recency effect, how you end the conversation significantly impacts its overall impression and effectiveness.
Strategies for a strong finish :
Share the learning:
Appreciate the conversation:
Commitment to maintenance : Recognize that this is just the beginning. Stay committed to the BPR's success with regular maintenance and follow-up conversations.
8. Apply Six Principles of Relationship Maintenance
Stay curious. Stay vulnerable. Stay kind. Adjust always. Repair often. Reset as needed.
Mindset principles :
- Stay curious: Recognize that you don't have the full picture and remain open-minded
- Stay vulnerable: Share information, opinions, and feelings that are useful for the BPR
- Stay kind: Remember that both parties are trying their best and assume positive intent
Action principles :
4. Adjust always: Make small, frequent adjustments to adapt to changing conditions
5. Repair often: Address small issues quickly to prevent larger problems
6. Reset as needed: Be willing to recharge and change the relationship when necessary
Application : Use these principles to guide your everyday interactions and maintain the health of your BPRs.
9. Orient Yourself Before Taking Action in Difficult Situations
Observe before you act.
The importance of orientation : When a working relationship becomes difficult, it's crucial to step back and understand the situation before taking action.
Two key questions for orientation :
What are the facts?
What position are you in?
Benefits : This practice helps you gain a more nuanced and compassionate perspective, revealing new options for moving forward.
10. Adjust, Repair, and Reset Relationships as Needed
Disintegration is inevitable.
Ongoing maintenance : Recognize that all relationships experience wear and tear, requiring regular upkeep.
Adjustment strategies :
- Regularly ask, "What's working well?"
- Pay attention to small gestures and "bids" for connection
Repair techniques :
- Address unsaid and unsurfaced issues promptly
- Learn how to "fight" constructively when conflicts arise
Resetting the relationship :
- Be willing to have another Keystone Conversation to reforge the BPR
- If ending the relationship, choose how to depart:
- The Ghost: Disappearing without explanation
- The Cortés: Burning bridges dramatically
- The Wake: Celebrating the relationship's positive aspects and learning
11. Deepen Self-Awareness to Enhance Relationship Building
Know thyself.
Importance of self-knowledge : Understanding yourself better enables more effective relationship building and maintenance.
Self-awareness exercises :
- Archetypes: Identify which roles (hero, mentor, ally, shapeshifter) you naturally embody
- The Boasting Friend: Imagine how a friend would describe your best qualities
- Where Did You Learn Your Work Habits?: Explore the origins of your work preferences
- Hide & Seek: Recognize when you hide or showcase your gifts in relationships
Application : Use these insights to communicate more effectively about your strengths, preferences, and potential blind spots during Keystone Conversations and ongoing relationship maintenance.
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FAQ
What's "How to Work with (Almost) Anyone" about?
- Building Better Relationships: The book focuses on creating the best possible working relationships through intentional design and management rather than leaving them to chance.
- Keystone Conversations: It introduces the concept of Keystone Conversations, which are structured dialogues aimed at establishing strong, safe, and repairable relationships.
- Five Essential Questions: The book provides five key questions to guide these conversations, helping individuals understand and improve their interactions with others.
- Practical and Actionable: It offers practical tools and exercises to help readers apply these concepts in real-world scenarios, making it a hands-on guide for improving workplace dynamics.
Why should I read "How to Work with (Almost) Anyone"?
- Improve Work Relationships: The book provides strategies to enhance your working relationships, which are crucial for personal success and happiness.
- Actionable Advice: It offers practical, research-backed advice that can be implemented immediately to see real improvements in workplace interactions.
- Universal Application: Whether you're a manager, team member, or individual contributor, the principles can be applied to any professional relationship.
- Long-term Benefits: By fostering better relationships, you can expect improved collaboration, increased job satisfaction, and a more positive work environment.
What are the key takeaways of "How to Work with (Almost) Anyone"?
- Intentional Relationship Building: Don't leave relationships to chance; actively work to make them the best they can be.
- Keystone Conversations: Use structured conversations to establish and maintain strong, safe, and repairable relationships.
- Five Key Questions: Prepare for and engage in conversations using the five essential questions to understand and improve your interactions.
- Continuous Maintenance: Relationships require ongoing attention and care to remain healthy and productive.
What are the Five Questions of the Keystone Conversation?
- Amplify Question:"What’s your best?" focuses on identifying and amplifying strengths in the relationship.
- Steady Question:"What are your practices and preferences?" helps understand each other's work habits and preferences.
- Good Date Question:"What can you learn from successful past relationships?" draws lessons from previous positive experiences.
- Bad Date Question:"What can you learn from frustrating past relationships?" identifies patterns to avoid in future interactions.
- Repair Question:"How will you fix it when things go wrong?" prepares for inevitable conflicts and how to address them.
How do Keystone Conversations improve relationships?
- Shared Responsibility: They create a mutual commitment to maintaining and improving the relationship.
- Permission to Discuss: They establish a framework for ongoing dialogue about the health of the relationship.
- Deeper Understanding: They provide insights into each other's strengths, preferences, and past experiences.
- Conflict Resolution: They prepare both parties to handle conflicts constructively when they arise.
What is the concept of "Best Possible Relationship" in the book?
- Safe, Vital, Repairable: A Best Possible Relationship is one that is safe, vital, and repairable, allowing for open communication and resilience.
- Intentional Design: It involves actively designing and managing relationships rather than leaving them to chance.
- Psychological Safety: It emphasizes creating an environment where individuals feel safe to express ideas and concerns.
- Continuous Improvement: It requires ongoing effort and maintenance to keep the relationship strong and effective.
How can I prepare for a Keystone Conversation?
- Reflect on the Five Questions: Spend time considering your answers to the five key questions to gain clarity on your own preferences and experiences.
- Be Open and Vulnerable: Approach the conversation with a willingness to share and listen, fostering a safe environment for dialogue.
- Set Clear Expectations: Communicate the purpose and structure of the conversation to the other person to ensure mutual understanding.
- Choose the Right Setting: Select a neutral and comfortable environment to facilitate open and honest communication.
What are some practical exercises from the book?
- Good At vs. Fulfilled By: A matrix exercise to differentiate between tasks you are good at and those that fulfill you.
- Deep Read Me: A self-reflection exercise to identify and communicate your work habits and preferences.
- How Did You Build It?: An exercise to analyze successful past relationships and identify contributing factors.
- Bridging: A strategy exercise to repair and reconnect when relationships face challenges.
What are the best quotes from "How to Work with (Almost) Anyone" and what do they mean?
- "Love is a verb." - Esther Perel: Emphasizes that relationships require active effort and engagement.
- "Stop leaving it to chance." : Encourages readers to take control of their relationships rather than hoping for the best.
- "Every working relationship can be better." : Highlights the potential for improvement in all professional interactions.
- "Utterance is magic." - Ursula K. Le Guin: Suggests that communication has the power to transform relationships.
How does the book address conflict resolution?
- Repair Question: Prepares individuals to address conflicts by discussing how to fix issues when they arise.
- Bridging Exercise: Offers strategies for reconnecting and repairing relationships after conflicts.
- Stay Curious and Kind: Encourages maintaining an open and compassionate mindset during conflicts.
- Regular Maintenance: Emphasizes the importance of ongoing care to prevent and address conflicts effectively.
What role does psychological safety play in the book?
- Foundation of BPR: Psychological safety is a key component of creating a Best Possible Relationship.
- Encourages Openness: It allows individuals to express ideas, concerns, and mistakes without fear of punishment.
- Fosters Innovation: A safe environment encourages creativity and innovation by allowing diverse perspectives.
- Builds Trust: It strengthens trust and collaboration within teams, leading to more effective working relationships.
How can I apply the concepts from "How to Work with (Almost) Anyone" in my workplace?
- Initiate Keystone Conversations: Start by having structured dialogues with key colleagues to establish strong relationships.
- Use the Five Questions: Regularly reflect on and discuss the five key questions to maintain and improve relationships.
- Practice Continuous Maintenance: Commit to ongoing care and attention to keep relationships healthy and productive.
- Foster Psychological Safety: Create an environment where team members feel safe to share ideas and concerns.
How to Work with (Almost) Anyone received mixed reviews, with an average rating of 3.68 out of 5. Many readers praised the book for its practical advice on improving workplace relationships, finding it concise and actionable. The "Keystone Conversation" concept was particularly well-received. Some appreciated the author's writing style and found the book insightful. However, critics felt the content was simplistic, repetitive, or could have been condensed. The audiobook version received criticism for the author's narration and repetitive introductions.
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