Keep Pain in the Past

Key Takeaways

1. Trauma persists due to avoidance, not time

Time may not heal all wounds, but a powerful process can.

Avoidance perpetuates trauma. Many people believe that time heals all wounds, but this is a myth. Trauma persists because people avoid facing their pain, not because time hasn't passed. Avoidance takes many forms:

• Substance abuse
• Overworking
• Emotional numbness
• Denial
• Minimization

Healing requires active engagement. To overcome trauma, individuals must confront their painful memories and emotions. This process is challenging but necessary for true healing. The author introduces the concept of "Mr. Avoidance," a personification of the tendency to avoid dealing with trauma, which keeps people stuck in their pain.

2. The Fritz method: Remember, Feel, Express, Release, Reframe

To heal, you have to go beyond a cognitive admission that the trauma occurred.

The Fritz method is a five-step process for healing trauma:

1. Remember: Recall the traumatic event in detail
2. Feel: Experience the associated emotions fully
3. Express: Share the story and emotions with someone else
4. Release: Let go of the pain and forgive
5. Reframe: Develop a new perspective on the experience

This method is based on various psychological theories and approaches, including stress response, neuroscience, cognitive behavioral therapy, Gestalt therapy, and religious concepts of forgiveness. The Fritz method aims to provide a comprehensive approach to trauma healing that addresses both cognitive and emotional aspects.

3. Remembering trauma in detail is crucial for healing

Unless all the details are shared, they can remain unacknowledged and unconscious and will therefore retain their emotional power.

Detailed recall enables processing. Remembering the traumatic event in vivid detail is essential for healing. This step involves:

• Recounting the entire story
• Exploring sensory memories
• Identifying thoughts and feelings during the event

Avoidance hinders healing. Many trauma survivors try to forget or suppress their memories, but this only prolongs their suffering. The author emphasizes that what is not remembered cannot be healed. By facing the memories head-on, survivors can begin to process and integrate their experiences.

4. Feeling and expressing emotions fully enables healing

No feel, no heal.

Emotional engagement is vital. Trauma survivors often numb their emotions as a coping mechanism. However, to heal, they must:

• Allow themselves to feel the full range of emotions associated with the trauma
• Express these emotions in a safe environment
• Recognize that emotions, even painful ones, serve a purpose

Catharsis through expression. Sharing the emotional experience with a trusted person, such as a therapist or support group, can be incredibly healing. This expression helps to validate the survivor's experience and release pent-up emotions.

5. Releasing trauma requires letting go and forgiveness

Forgiveness, which is best defined as letting go, never condones the bad behavior of the offending party.

Letting go is not condoning. Forgiveness in the context of trauma healing means:

• Releasing the emotional hold the trauma has on the survivor
• Accepting that the past cannot be changed
• Choosing to move forward without being controlled by the trauma

Forgiveness benefits the survivor. The act of forgiveness is primarily for the benefit of the trauma survivor, not the perpetrator. It allows the survivor to:

• Reclaim their emotional energy
• Reduce stress and anxiety
• Improve overall well-being

6. Reframing shifts perspective and reclaims life

Putting a new frame on a painful experience, trauma, or loss is necessary to release the power of the hold that this experience has over you.

Reframing changes interpretation. This step involves:

• Examining beliefs about the trauma
• Challenging unhelpful thought patterns
• Developing a new, more empowering perspective

Reclaiming agency and meaning. By reframing their experiences, trauma survivors can:

• Regain a sense of control over their lives
• Find meaning or purpose in their suffering
• Develop resilience and personal growth

7. Complex trauma requires additional support and tools

Trauma is healed by the expression and release of feelings.

Complex trauma needs specialized care. For individuals who have experienced multiple or prolonged traumas, additional support may be necessary:

• Professional therapy with a trauma specialist
• Longer treatment duration
• Addressing trust and safety issues
• Developing coping skills before processing trauma

Multiple personalities as coping mechanisms. In cases of severe, repeated trauma, some individuals develop Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). This condition requires:

• Understanding the function of alter personalities
• Integrating memories and emotions from different alters
• Gradual fusion of personalities through the healing process

8. Moral injury demands self-forgiveness and making amends

Moral injury complicates the healing process and makes it more difficult to traverse alone.

Self-forgiveness is crucial. When individuals feel responsible for causing harm or failing to prevent it, they must:

• Acknowledge their role in the event
• Take responsibility for their actions
• Practice self-compassion and forgiveness

Making amends promotes healing. Steps for addressing moral injury include:

1. Confessing and taking ownership of actions
2. Expressing remorse
3. Changing behavior (repentance)
4. Making amends when possible

9. Guided imagery and letter writing facilitate healing

Guided imagery can be used for many purposes, including: Saying goodbye to people who have died and making peace with their passing.

Guided imagery accesses the subconscious. This technique involves:

• Relaxation and visualization
• Creating a safe mental space to process trauma
• Imagining interactions with deceased loved ones or perpetrators

Letter writing provides closure. Writing letters to those involved in the trauma can help survivors:

• Express unspoken thoughts and feelings
• Say goodbye to lost loved ones
• Release anger or resentment towards perpetrators

10. Unresolved trauma affects all aspects of life

Unresolved trauma is bad.

Trauma impacts various life domains. Unresolved trauma can lead to:

• Mental health issues (depression, anxiety, PTSD)
• Substance abuse problems
• Relationship difficulties
• Career challenges
• Physical health problems

Healing trauma improves overall well-being. By addressing and resolving trauma, individuals can:

• Improve their mental and physical health
• Enhance their relationships
• Increase their capacity for joy and success in life
• Develop greater resilience and emotional stability

Last updated: November 19, 2024

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